Flora you shrub hole

Scenario: go into a plant store and ask for a hardy plant that does not take much work and can suffer some neglect while only getting moderate office light.

How it plays out: green thumbed asshole tells you this plant is great for that. It doesnt even need to be watered-only misted a few times a week. Three weeks later there is a $30 pile of dirt in an ugly container by my window with some dried out pieces of shit hanging out of it. The plant was not even that nice to begin with, pretty boring but robust I thought so why did asshole steer me wrong? Next time I see that guy I am going to give him a nature wedgie with my dead plant.

I am afraid of 2005

There is nothing I fing more terribly frightening than the year 2005. Every time I see it now my soul sinks (Jackson confirmed it as he is the owner of my soul ((since circa 1995)) and he told me lately it has been acting weird). Whenever I happen to glance at 2005 on a forgotten sheet of paper or on old signage I get monstrously afraid. Can 2005 really be two years ago? Just today walking down the snowy street to the metro I noticed a wall mural that was dated 2005 and I recalled when it was being painted. Kate and I watched, squinting in the sun. I thought it was last summer, a few months ago, a time just passed. But I am wrong, it was eerily in 2005. Dont ever go back there or remind me of 2005. Lets pretend it never happened and whatever you do, if you happen to come upon Dr. Emmett Brown's DeLorean do not be tempted to go back to 2005. Its seems like yesterday but its not.

Syria Later

Its been six months of silence. Was it worth it? Hell yeah... the stories I’ve gathered in the last six months in Sirya will fuel me with countless hours of anecdotes and the scaring emotional and otherwise will help to validate my street cred.

To recount the last several months here would ruin the made for tv movie I am licsencing right now with Nickelodian but basically a mass email I sent in 2001 in New Zealand letting friends and family know about how a cop approached my friend and I as we were pushing our car along the side of a highway into a parking lot. He stopped to ask if we needed help and when we assured him that we were fine and we were just pushing the car instead of driving it for fun he asked for ID, took mine and said “I looked much better without my Taliban beard”- this simple, yet funny comment triggered a long chain of events that led to me being on the watched list, a photo of me in Egypt wearing one of their dresses was the final straw and in ? while biking home from the laundry I was picked up with a hook on a stealth helicopter and braught to Syria for a little Q&A. It was pretty much what you would expect. I ate a rat, I invented a type of Sudoku that only used 8 number and I learnt how to say Hamburger in Farci. They eventually realized I was a goof and knew nothing about terrorism except I can quote the entire dialogue from Top Gun and I love BB guns.

As my time there wound to an end I became more and more stoked since I figured I was not only not going to be killed but I would probably get a lot of money out of it. Boy was I suckered, more suckered then Cory Feldman at the Neverland Ranch. They gave me a $250 gift certificate for J.C. Penny because they lost all my clothes and then cab fare to get home from the airport.

Since then, I have been eating 15 timbits a day and doing ten push-ups while listening to LCD Soundsystem trying to reacclimatize to North America. Syrian TV is way more interesting than CSI 5 nights a week.