4 ways to make curling the best sport ever

Well my buddy Ballz was in town for business this past weekend and like all of my favorite visitors he prefered to sit around and watch tv and drink beers than to walk around and see stuff he already saw. While watching the Scott Tournaments of Hearts we noticed that more and more cuties play and they are getting younger as well. Since curling is growing as a sport and there is no hockey Ballz and I decided that if we took charge of the sport and the CBC we could make it huge.

First off there is a shot clock so that there is only 30s between shots. We grew up in the age of attention deficits that the media still has trouble dealing with.

Second, there will be an age limit of 35 that can only be vetoed by yummie mummies.

Third, each team draws from a hat a selections of outfits that their team will have to wear throughout the tourney. The outfits range from pixies, nurses, catholic school girls, catwomen, french maids etc... this will be in conjuction with the return of short curling skirts. No more pants.

Fourth is the handle cam that is place in the handle of each stone allowing strategic shots at each end of the ice. Know what I mean.

This all goes without saying that mens curling is just eliminated. Its useless now anyway just like men's tennis and men's volleyball. I think a lot more people would watch curling with these slight modifications just like women's beach volleyball. I mean how shitty are men's indoor volleyball ratings compared to women's beach.

Ballz and I also discovered that women who own five newfoundlander dogs and make hats and mittens out of their fur are lacking something in their lives. Something quite important that makes them severly messed up and scarry.

Some people would say life is crazy like that...

Well three important things happened in the last 24hrs.

1. Alloy, Kate's cat did not die after vomiting for 2 days and not eating for 3 and spending a few days at the vet. He is fine now but nothing was pronounced wrong with him.

2. Mexx did not offer me the job. They went with someone with more experience. If this keeps up I will be 38 and still getting beat out of jobs because of a lack of experience.

3. I worked my first day of work since Aug 23/04 today. I was doing renovation work with a guy I know. Just plain drywalling plaster and painting stuff. Feels good to earn money again. Its much easier on the nerves than selling coke has been.

Oh and something not as important happened. Our soccer team, Tom Cruise, went from top of the league last season to bottom of the league this season. We are just playing horrible now. Nothing funny happened in that time period although Conor and I were on the verge of creating a great song last night on Garageband that had a country song with hip-hop beats vocalized over the top with the corus of Bitch in the Back Seat.

Screw the job world I am making my own job

Well after spending the last two and a half hours scouring 3 media related job sites, 2 government sites, the gazette classifieds and three newspapers and coming up with basically zilch as a possible jobs I have decided to make my own. I am going to tour universitys and give talks. I am going to talk about the uselessness of a Bachelor or Arts degree. It will be a motivational speech, not a look what happened to me downer speech, where I encourage undergrads to switch from arts into either of the plossible post uni-employable fields of science or commerce. There are heaps of jobs within those fields but as far as qualifications go a major in French and a minor in Anthro is about as worthwhile as my High School diploma. But ironically now if you dont have a high school diploma there are a plethora of free governmental training and internships available to you that are not available to me. University is not useless its great but they dont tell you that Arts is a bullshit degree. Ask your friends how many of them are working in their field (except teachers that's an easy out) and my point will be proven.

I lost control and downloaded a bunch of albums last night. Broken Social Scene is quite good but if the breakup of The Inbreds has left you with a void that can only be filled by a drum and bass guitar duo than Death From Above 1979 is for you. Its a hot album and they fill it up. That is all.

My first real addiction and surprisingly its not porn

All my life I have been really into music, reading about it, bying it and even working in a radio station and all that time it has been a healthy pass time. Now I fear with the onslaught of easy access free downloadable new music that its no longer healthy for me. I am addicted to downloading music. Its still not an everyday occurence but I go on 3 or 4 day binges where I dont remember much and my external hard drive has 5 more gigs of music. Most of which I like but dont even remember getting or listening to. I will be reading Exclaim when I see a new band that looks good so I go and download their album and while I am waiting for a few songs to finish I figure I may as well get their old album too and then I think of another band and then before you know it its 2am and I have downloaded 8 albums in a night. Its all legal granted but it nonetheless leaves me fealing hollow and shameful. It has its upsides to being addicted to downloading music, you discover great bands. The best new band out there undoubtedly is The Postal Service, its just wicked.

On a venting note Frite Alors had a free french fry day yesterday so Kate and I went. I was happy to have a free meal and felt generous so I decided to buy a soft drink and when the bill came my soft drink was $2.75. I mean what the hell, since when did non-pro-sports-soft-drinks cost more than a buck fifty? Those cheap bastards ruined my free fry day.

Old people talk

I have made a late winter decision that I think is going to drastically improve on my outlook on life... I am going to avoid any talk of the weather until the summer. The crutch of awkward conversations contiuously seems to revolve around the weather. So from henceforth if anyone brings up the subject I am going to pretend I did not hear, or shift the conversation or just stare blankly on them. I will have one exception though. My nanny, she seems to view the weather as something more indepth or time/death related and as such I know she depends on it in conversation as more than just a conversational crutch so I will talk frankly about it to her. I guess another exemption will be if I am going skiing and whoever I am going skiing with will be able to talk to me about how much snow may fall or how cold it may be. Geez I am already excited not to talk about the weather. Im guessing that I will have 8 more minutes a day of free time now that I am avoiding this. Thats half a game of Tetris right there.

Beer bread

After a month of non-vocalized bar obstainment we dully went out to drink in public again. For reasons unknow to Conor, Mike or myself we have been drinking at their house and just simply not going out. The issue was finaly vocailzed this week and it was deemed that we were too surely to go out anymore. Its much nicer to drink our own cheap beer and listen to our own music and not have to be surrounded by dicks. It has been a great month and many better nights and conversations occured thanks to this. But alas, all good things must end and last night we went out to 3 bars. The first hours was great, undoubtedly aided by the $3 bottled beer. We asked ourselves why have we been missing out on this but we answered ourselves not long after when the beer price went up, the toilets were lost and the dicks grew in numbers and the constant thrust of stange bodies into my back grew agrevating and endangered my teeth with each taste of my tasty beer and finaly the music turned shit. The only good thing left was college babes (but not for me, I am happily relationshiponized) to look at but then you remember how dumb they are and the whole bar scenes continues to be worthless.
I tried a new recipe yesterday afternoon; cheddar beer bread. Its so simple and tasty and quick that its my new favorite homemade bread. I can supply a recipe if anyone wants it. It wont get you drunk though, only a half beer in it.

Infinite Book

Well I came upon some really unfortunate news last night. I came to realize that my new haircut is actually a gay haircut. There is nothing wrong with gay haircuts but this one is radiating flames hotter than the suns. I dont know how I did not nottice it before. Im not sure what to do but for now its toque time 24/7.
Well February usually is my hibernate and read alot month cause of the cold/damp/grey that is the montreal winter but it has actually been kind of nice out lately and sunny so I have not read the 7 or 8 novels I usually do in february. I have also took on Infinite Jest by David Foster Wallace. Its probably the most massive book I have ever read, but not in terms of size (1100pgs) or in complexity, dificulty, and intimidation, but just its a dense mass of comedic genius and a wit that makes me giggle out loud (really). Fortunately I have a quasi-support group of readers who went through it. Its takes ages to read this book so the encouragement to keep on going and discuss parts at different stages is helpful. You have to read it to understand that because its not as though I want to stop reading, I love reading it but you barely make any ground. One of the best books I have ever read and definietly the funniest.
I was thrilled to see the positive steps the world is making this week. Of course I am talking about the 'Dove' self-esteem fund. Its good to see companies care about important and challenging issues. Dont worry about the starving and homeless and all the dead Iraki babies lets collect funds to help our nation's self-esteem. I somehow think Oprah is behind this crap. You have to see this to believe it: http://www.dove.ca/doveselfesteemfund/

Another God damned job test

So I had another job interview test today. They are the most useless peices of shit time wasting things anyone can do. It takes about 5 minutes to realize if somebody can do what they are asking them do to but you are expected to put in like 2 hours to prove it even more somehow. Its so demeaning too. You have no clue what they are really looking for so you spent most of the time self consciously overthinking what you are doing. This interview was bunk. I was all dressed to a tee cause its with Mexx and the only dude who I saw was in jeans and a t-shirt and only spent 15min with me before the test and I spent like half the day shoving scissors up my nose and cleaning my toe nails and got the afformentioned haircut. The job world sucks. I wish McDonals paid really well. I would work at McDs for 40 a year.

A liscence to kill

Well at the young age of 27 Kate got her driving liscence yesterday. The instructor gave her a mouthful at the end of her test to the point of near tears and she tought for sure she was going to fail but she got it anyways. Its kind of scary to be brought back to the days of being sixteen but now actually being conscious of how scary a car can be in the hands of a new driver. Now that Kate can drive legally I am going to teach her how to drive after 3 or 4 beers this weekend. She is pumped about that. She said her lessons didnt cover that at all, they also didnt even do handbrake skids in a mall parking lot. How is she supposed to be prepared to react on the highway if she is coming home from the bars and a 18 wheeler jacknifes and its icy...

A new haircut

Well only twice in my twenties have a paid for a haircut and yesterday was one of them. Since my mom wasnt around and shaved heads dont look good at interviews I went up the street to the greek barber whose only english words I have ever heard are 'how you want' and 'ten please'. He spends the whole 10 minutes haircut arguing with the 4 other senior greeks, one of which always (as in both times I have been there) is watching The Price is right with the sound off. They get in such heated debates that my barber actually stops cutting my hair and goes over and throws his hands in the air before coming back and using a straight razor to trim around my ears (its as unerving as it sounds). He also has like 14 budgies who chirp non-stop. He cuts a good haircut though.

A new dope

Welcom to my blog. It will soon become your new drug of choice teaching you how to live, how to see accurately and how to kill mice. I am good at killing mice. You will see