Maria Dirty Martinez-Sanchez

There is a new women's tennis player who has garnered my praise. The spaniard in question is Maria Dirty Martinez-Sanchez. This fiesty beast of a woman put on a show yesterday at the Rogers Cup. After secret free tickets we sauntered into the stadium and were amazed at how close you get to the qualifying games. Litteraly you are close enough to see the hairs on their backs glisten in the afternoon sun. Mid court 5 feet away watchign women duel it out baseline style is a fantastic way to pass an afternoon. They hit it hard and like all pro sports its way better live than on TV in a way that lack easy description. MDMS is not only my newest tennis hero she is also my newest celebrity crush. She walked out right past us and we followed her as I tried to ask her if I could buy her an ice cream. She earned it after her win that included line judge stare downs, screams, lots of grunts and an amazing soccer kick after a missed shot that sent the tennis ball over the fence of the court. Spicey.

V1

For years I have been fooled by the jerks at Campbelle Soup Company and their falticious V8. I always thaught it was healthy if not NOT tasty beverage. I took a closer look at the can today though and low and behold there is only the equivalent of one vegetable. Sure the name implies correctly that 8 vegetablary ingrediants can be found within, and yes, this I agree is true (tomatoe paste, the juices of carrots celery, beets, lettuce, watercress, spinach, white grapes and if you feel inclined to consider it a vegetable Parsely.)
However I was fooled into believe this was like a super vegetable drink. I hardly eat vegetables and I would take it upon myself to feel proud of drinking these shitty cans of pasta sauce to pretend I was getting at least three days worth of veggies but no, right there on the can it now tells me that one can supplies a measly 1/10th of my daily requirement of veggies.
Screw you V8, you are expensive, bland tasting, half a carrot worth lying piece of crap. Purple pop tarts have 75% of the veggie content that you do.

Look a dog pooped and made Sean Cullen

I hate Sean Cullen the supposed canadian comic genius, the "sleep deprived Steve Matin" quotes Time Magazine. My hatred of him stems so deep that I felt compelled to email CBC radio today to beg them to no longer let him host any radio programming. Here is my letter, please support me on this. Copy and paste it into an email to them, change some words and hope for the best...

Hello,

I am an avid listener to most CBC radio programming and for the most part it's great. I just do not see the need for your programers to ruin a Saturday morning with Seán Cullen on the air. I imagine that I am the target audience for him: educated, mid-twenties, great sense of humor and a fan of the absurd. However, Mr Cullen is none of these, he is simply a rambling baffoon. Who enjoys his sense of dis-humor? Do any CBC radio listeners actualy applaud his on air work? My father still tells knock-knock jokes and he would rather listen to rap music than the nonsensical jibberish of Cullen. Like I said before, I am a fan of the absurd, the theatre of Ionesco and the writtings of Pynchon are some of my favorites but these are done with insight and wit, not with boring monologues that lead you nowhere and are neither scripted or well improvised. They are simply banal and aggravating.
Please, I implore you to remove Mr. Cullen from the radio. CBC radio is better than that and they are better than him.
Thank you and have a good one,
Chris Tucker

Calling all travelling parents

Hey all you parents travelling with toddlers. Bored with aiport ques and frustrated with inflated prices. Now is your chance to get even. No free drinks on the plain and no more allowance for bringing your own your nearly forced to compensate. Here is how. Baby food is allowed onflight but that is nearly the only liquid. Supposedly the security guards are taste testing the formula so a little hit of tasteless liquid acid that only takes effect a few hours later and boom, you have yourself some aeronautical revenge.

Stomping on the Latitude

However, you can not always trust what you get. How can you be sure that the data is accurate and that your variable is truly vacated. Micronesia is small but should not be classified as micro. Okay okay good on Leno for grilling Landis.


Two good sites to visit daily;

www.toothpastefordinner.com

www.marriedtothesea.com

and www.drunkenstepfather.com is a hillarious if not crude site moking celebrities as well as being a dispicable satire of the paparazzi. Funny as hell though. It borders on a porn site but hollywood is on the border of being a brothel anyways.

Open letter to the CBC radio

Hey CBC radio I'm tired of your immigrants coverage. I love your programming for the most part and I enjoy getting my news from you but come on. Every mourning now you cover the same thing. Illegal immigrants complaining about their snuck into countries politics and notably their immigration policies > Hey if you dont like Canada's policiy on immigration and refugee status dont sneak in here. This mourning got me riled up when Latvian prostitues in Holland were upset after being deported from Holland. They are illegal aliens who are illegal prostitues (its a job over there but they are workind under the table and that's illegal) and when they get caught they get all upset at the countries rules and being thrown out and all that. They want automatic citizenship or something. Hey I want a million dollars but I dont cry about it when I dont get it. There are a lot of horrible countries to live in and many reasons to escape them but stop bitching about the countries you want to get into oaky, and CBC radio stop with these dumb stories already and get back to your biased coverage of the middle east.

Hey Dr. Phil, go eat a doughnut

Dr. Phil is a douch bag. The guy has so many problems they are too many to list. Not only is he a fat pompous ignorant hypocritical doughnut eating moron he is also a mysoginistic fool. Any housewife who watches his show should either go back to 1940 or shoot themselves. Ever watch the end of the show where he walks up and meets his wife and she being the ever suportful and duty bound lady that she is accompanies her man hand in hand off the stage? What the hell is that? Not only does she not have a job while she just mooches off her husband this '21st century woman' is not the slight bit aware of whather actions are saying. Im here to support my husdband in all he does, that is my job. I have nowheres else to be everyday at 11am. Go commit a murder suicide Mrs. Dr. Phil. , at least that way you would be sort of useful. a and at the very least you would not be hindering the women's movement. (rumor is on the womne's movement front that they are going to be as strong as us very soon).

Markus Maximus- name that reference

Is it possible to find a way to retire if the supremely creepy accountant with the toupe and tucked in Vuarnet t-shirt who always flirts with you pretends to rub your paycheck on his ass before handing it to you? If so I want to retire right after burning my eyes out and bleaching my hands clean.

Ambiguously Gay Games

The World Outgames are here in Montreal. That means two thing; there are a lot of gay people in town now, there are a lot of bad athletes in town. The event is getting mondo coverage in the media here. Why I am not sure, I guess old men in regional Quebec like things to swear at on the news. Even though its local it amazes me that its getting more coverage than say the tour the france and all the coverage says the same thing. Ticket sales are down and there are less athletes than expected. Well duh. If anyone has seen some of the events they will know why. The athletes are horrible. The tennis and soccer are both by my house. On any given mourning there are better tennis matches being played than what I saw in the Outgames. Same goes with the soccer, my intramural soccer team would have won a gold. Im not saying gay's can't play sports Im just saying this is a really dumb event that makes no sense and is heavily subsidized by the government who should just allocated more money to gay olympic athletes instead of bridge playing phonies.

Anyone who votes for Harper again is a babby killing monster. "A measured response"- go tell that to the man in Qana who lost him father, wife, 4 kids and his brother in the bombing the other night that eliminated all the Hezbollah babies. Pre-emptive strikes on all potential terrorist infants.