Coffee makes you impotent

Why the heck do coffee shops make me feel inadequate? I just feel lost and totally insecure in the face of a 15 year old barista. Its not that I dont drink coffee, I drink 2 if not 3 cups a day but its merely that I make it myself and I know what its called, its called coffee. Yesterday, it being generously hot out, I ventured out to indulge in an ice coffee. I thought it would be refreshing as well as simple. I was wrong on one part. The first generic coffee shop that I happened upon had two list of 'cold coffees', they were 5 bucks a hit so I figured I was in the wrong place. Onward to Second Cup, should be easy here. I lay my hand upon a menu type flyer that has a sole list brandishign five types of 'cold coffee' all falling under the nomeclature only distinguishable by either a proficient latin speaker or an italian botanist. So I order a white moka icepresso chiller chillate. It was more than tasty and adequately refreshing but I still felt empty inside and I chidded myself for not behaving correctly in their establishment.
I know I am not the first to feel shame and discomfort in these houses of cafffein but jesus if I am going to spend 4.50 on a coffee with ice cubs in it they had better start making it easer and encourage me to feel like the coffee drinking king that I am.