Construction paper, glue and reverse ADD

Monsters still need to mow the lawn

Me in the future

I know the future is scary because there will be cloned sheep driving most city busses but I am more concerned with my hair in 5 years...

Justice is Served

Hello,

On Friday the 13th of April I left work at 4:30 and took the metro from
Square Victoria to Mount Royal metro. I used a ticket and took a transfer.
Proof that I was on the metro then was the delay at each station due to a
stuck door. After getting off the metro the 11 West bus was not there so I
walked a block before I saw it coming. While getting on the bus the driver
told me that my transfer was not valid. I told him that I just took it not
20 minutes before. He would not allow me on the bus even while I explained
my case to him. Obviously I did not look at the transfer when I took it but
it said 2:36pm and he explained to me that I only had one hour to use the
transfer even though I had just gotten off the metro. He made me feel as
though I was lying and I was forced to buy another ticket.

Today, Monday the 16 I once again took the metro from Square Victoria and I
took another transfer at 5:30pm. I checked the transfer from the same
dispenser and to my surprise the transfer once again said 2:36pm so I tried
one from another machine which gave me one for the correct time. I went to
the ticket vendor and told him about the faulty machine. He nonchalantly
told me to just get one from another machine.

Simply put, I want a refund for a  bus ticket or a refund of my $2.75 for
the second ticket on the Friday. I am not being cheap it is just a matter of
principal. I paid for a service, the service was faulty and so I was
expected to pay double for it. On top of that I was made to feel as though I
was a liar and a schemer for trying to use an expired ticket. I am neither
of those and I feel insulted for being treated that way by the bus driver.

I was furious at these turn of events and I expect a reply or a check for
$2.75 in the mail.

Chris Tucker

And justice was served:

April 17, 2007

Good afternoon :

Thank you for taking the time to let us know about this incident.   Your
comments will be transmitted to the appropriate authorities for treatment.
However, to make sure to identify the proper driver, can you please indicate at
what time you took the bus ?? and do you have the vehicle number ??

As requested, a regular ticket has been mailed to you.

Looking forward to hearing from you, we are very sorry for any inconvenience
caused and we thank you for using our services,

Regards,

Lise Allaire
Agente - Relations avec la clientèle
Société de transport de Montréal

Flora you shrub hole

Scenario: go into a plant store and ask for a hardy plant that does not take much work and can suffer some neglect while only getting moderate office light.

How it plays out: green thumbed asshole tells you this plant is great for that. It doesnt even need to be watered-only misted a few times a week. Three weeks later there is a $30 pile of dirt in an ugly container by my window with some dried out pieces of shit hanging out of it. The plant was not even that nice to begin with, pretty boring but robust I thought so why did asshole steer me wrong? Next time I see that guy I am going to give him a nature wedgie with my dead plant.

I am afraid of 2005

There is nothing I fing more terribly frightening than the year 2005. Every time I see it now my soul sinks (Jackson confirmed it as he is the owner of my soul ((since circa 1995)) and he told me lately it has been acting weird). Whenever I happen to glance at 2005 on a forgotten sheet of paper or on old signage I get monstrously afraid. Can 2005 really be two years ago? Just today walking down the snowy street to the metro I noticed a wall mural that was dated 2005 and I recalled when it was being painted. Kate and I watched, squinting in the sun. I thought it was last summer, a few months ago, a time just passed. But I am wrong, it was eerily in 2005. Dont ever go back there or remind me of 2005. Lets pretend it never happened and whatever you do, if you happen to come upon Dr. Emmett Brown's DeLorean do not be tempted to go back to 2005. Its seems like yesterday but its not.

Syria Later

Its been six months of silence. Was it worth it? Hell yeah... the stories I’ve gathered in the last six months in Sirya will fuel me with countless hours of anecdotes and the scaring emotional and otherwise will help to validate my street cred.

To recount the last several months here would ruin the made for tv movie I am licsencing right now with Nickelodian but basically a mass email I sent in 2001 in New Zealand letting friends and family know about how a cop approached my friend and I as we were pushing our car along the side of a highway into a parking lot. He stopped to ask if we needed help and when we assured him that we were fine and we were just pushing the car instead of driving it for fun he asked for ID, took mine and said “I looked much better without my Taliban beard”- this simple, yet funny comment triggered a long chain of events that led to me being on the watched list, a photo of me in Egypt wearing one of their dresses was the final straw and in ? while biking home from the laundry I was picked up with a hook on a stealth helicopter and braught to Syria for a little Q&A. It was pretty much what you would expect. I ate a rat, I invented a type of Sudoku that only used 8 number and I learnt how to say Hamburger in Farci. They eventually realized I was a goof and knew nothing about terrorism except I can quote the entire dialogue from Top Gun and I love BB guns.

As my time there wound to an end I became more and more stoked since I figured I was not only not going to be killed but I would probably get a lot of money out of it. Boy was I suckered, more suckered then Cory Feldman at the Neverland Ranch. They gave me a $250 gift certificate for J.C. Penny because they lost all my clothes and then cab fare to get home from the airport.

Since then, I have been eating 15 timbits a day and doing ten push-ups while listening to LCD Soundsystem trying to reacclimatize to North America. Syrian TV is way more interesting than CSI 5 nights a week.

Maria Dirty Martinez-Sanchez

There is a new women's tennis player who has garnered my praise. The spaniard in question is Maria Dirty Martinez-Sanchez. This fiesty beast of a woman put on a show yesterday at the Rogers Cup. After secret free tickets we sauntered into the stadium and were amazed at how close you get to the qualifying games. Litteraly you are close enough to see the hairs on their backs glisten in the afternoon sun. Mid court 5 feet away watchign women duel it out baseline style is a fantastic way to pass an afternoon. They hit it hard and like all pro sports its way better live than on TV in a way that lack easy description. MDMS is not only my newest tennis hero she is also my newest celebrity crush. She walked out right past us and we followed her as I tried to ask her if I could buy her an ice cream. She earned it after her win that included line judge stare downs, screams, lots of grunts and an amazing soccer kick after a missed shot that sent the tennis ball over the fence of the court. Spicey.

V1

For years I have been fooled by the jerks at Campbelle Soup Company and their falticious V8. I always thaught it was healthy if not NOT tasty beverage. I took a closer look at the can today though and low and behold there is only the equivalent of one vegetable. Sure the name implies correctly that 8 vegetablary ingrediants can be found within, and yes, this I agree is true (tomatoe paste, the juices of carrots celery, beets, lettuce, watercress, spinach, white grapes and if you feel inclined to consider it a vegetable Parsely.)
However I was fooled into believe this was like a super vegetable drink. I hardly eat vegetables and I would take it upon myself to feel proud of drinking these shitty cans of pasta sauce to pretend I was getting at least three days worth of veggies but no, right there on the can it now tells me that one can supplies a measly 1/10th of my daily requirement of veggies.
Screw you V8, you are expensive, bland tasting, half a carrot worth lying piece of crap. Purple pop tarts have 75% of the veggie content that you do.

Look a dog pooped and made Sean Cullen

I hate Sean Cullen the supposed canadian comic genius, the "sleep deprived Steve Matin" quotes Time Magazine. My hatred of him stems so deep that I felt compelled to email CBC radio today to beg them to no longer let him host any radio programming. Here is my letter, please support me on this. Copy and paste it into an email to them, change some words and hope for the best...

Hello,

I am an avid listener to most CBC radio programming and for the most part it's great. I just do not see the need for your programers to ruin a Saturday morning with Seán Cullen on the air. I imagine that I am the target audience for him: educated, mid-twenties, great sense of humor and a fan of the absurd. However, Mr Cullen is none of these, he is simply a rambling baffoon. Who enjoys his sense of dis-humor? Do any CBC radio listeners actualy applaud his on air work? My father still tells knock-knock jokes and he would rather listen to rap music than the nonsensical jibberish of Cullen. Like I said before, I am a fan of the absurd, the theatre of Ionesco and the writtings of Pynchon are some of my favorites but these are done with insight and wit, not with boring monologues that lead you nowhere and are neither scripted or well improvised. They are simply banal and aggravating.
Please, I implore you to remove Mr. Cullen from the radio. CBC radio is better than that and they are better than him.
Thank you and have a good one,
Chris Tucker

Calling all travelling parents

Hey all you parents travelling with toddlers. Bored with aiport ques and frustrated with inflated prices. Now is your chance to get even. No free drinks on the plain and no more allowance for bringing your own your nearly forced to compensate. Here is how. Baby food is allowed onflight but that is nearly the only liquid. Supposedly the security guards are taste testing the formula so a little hit of tasteless liquid acid that only takes effect a few hours later and boom, you have yourself some aeronautical revenge.

Stomping on the Latitude

However, you can not always trust what you get. How can you be sure that the data is accurate and that your variable is truly vacated. Micronesia is small but should not be classified as micro. Okay okay good on Leno for grilling Landis.


Two good sites to visit daily;

www.toothpastefordinner.com

www.marriedtothesea.com

and www.drunkenstepfather.com is a hillarious if not crude site moking celebrities as well as being a dispicable satire of the paparazzi. Funny as hell though. It borders on a porn site but hollywood is on the border of being a brothel anyways.

Open letter to the CBC radio

Hey CBC radio I'm tired of your immigrants coverage. I love your programming for the most part and I enjoy getting my news from you but come on. Every mourning now you cover the same thing. Illegal immigrants complaining about their snuck into countries politics and notably their immigration policies > Hey if you dont like Canada's policiy on immigration and refugee status dont sneak in here. This mourning got me riled up when Latvian prostitues in Holland were upset after being deported from Holland. They are illegal aliens who are illegal prostitues (its a job over there but they are workind under the table and that's illegal) and when they get caught they get all upset at the countries rules and being thrown out and all that. They want automatic citizenship or something. Hey I want a million dollars but I dont cry about it when I dont get it. There are a lot of horrible countries to live in and many reasons to escape them but stop bitching about the countries you want to get into oaky, and CBC radio stop with these dumb stories already and get back to your biased coverage of the middle east.

Hey Dr. Phil, go eat a doughnut

Dr. Phil is a douch bag. The guy has so many problems they are too many to list. Not only is he a fat pompous ignorant hypocritical doughnut eating moron he is also a mysoginistic fool. Any housewife who watches his show should either go back to 1940 or shoot themselves. Ever watch the end of the show where he walks up and meets his wife and she being the ever suportful and duty bound lady that she is accompanies her man hand in hand off the stage? What the hell is that? Not only does she not have a job while she just mooches off her husband this '21st century woman' is not the slight bit aware of whather actions are saying. Im here to support my husdband in all he does, that is my job. I have nowheres else to be everyday at 11am. Go commit a murder suicide Mrs. Dr. Phil. , at least that way you would be sort of useful. a and at the very least you would not be hindering the women's movement. (rumor is on the womne's movement front that they are going to be as strong as us very soon).

Markus Maximus- name that reference

Is it possible to find a way to retire if the supremely creepy accountant with the toupe and tucked in Vuarnet t-shirt who always flirts with you pretends to rub your paycheck on his ass before handing it to you? If so I want to retire right after burning my eyes out and bleaching my hands clean.

Ambiguously Gay Games

The World Outgames are here in Montreal. That means two thing; there are a lot of gay people in town now, there are a lot of bad athletes in town. The event is getting mondo coverage in the media here. Why I am not sure, I guess old men in regional Quebec like things to swear at on the news. Even though its local it amazes me that its getting more coverage than say the tour the france and all the coverage says the same thing. Ticket sales are down and there are less athletes than expected. Well duh. If anyone has seen some of the events they will know why. The athletes are horrible. The tennis and soccer are both by my house. On any given mourning there are better tennis matches being played than what I saw in the Outgames. Same goes with the soccer, my intramural soccer team would have won a gold. Im not saying gay's can't play sports Im just saying this is a really dumb event that makes no sense and is heavily subsidized by the government who should just allocated more money to gay olympic athletes instead of bridge playing phonies.

Anyone who votes for Harper again is a babby killing monster. "A measured response"- go tell that to the man in Qana who lost him father, wife, 4 kids and his brother in the bombing the other night that eliminated all the Hezbollah babies. Pre-emptive strikes on all potential terrorist infants.

The Boshanizer

I have been meaning to post this for awhile. Its a photo of the newest bike in my fleet. The Boshanizer is a Raleigh built in England during the 1940s to help kill Germans, thus its name. Its a solid bike that only needed half its parts removed in order for it to work. It originally had a back mud guard (rammed off by some jack ass road cyclist when he hit me), a chain guard bent to hell, reflectors everywhere that just kept falling off and a bike box holder that was missing too many screws. The kick stand is rubbing too so will soon be removed but otherwise she is a dandy monster.

I put another $50 in Orangetgotan today too, (see April 14 for update). It needed a new rim since it blew 4 tubes already this summer but now she is flying like never before. Bikes love getting new parts they shine and pur and go real fast.

Here is my beauty

Propagate the hate

Screw you Landis you douche-bag hose testical eating cheat. I knew it felt wrong not hating american cyclist. I feel bad about praising him now but he's getting his just desert.

Saw the Friendly Rich Variety show last night. Pretty good hoot. Along with an amazing 8 piece band that included a harp, basoon, banjo, more horns the kids show gone wrong was well written and very well realized. Their were transgressional kid's cartoons, boxing robots, egg tricks, burlesque puppets, a funeral procession for a puppet, prayer line crank calls and a singing deer head. It's hard to believe there is an audience for this but harder to believe that people can make a living at this when there are 12 performers and only about 40 audience members. Rich used to write for the Tom Green show. Tom Green is entertainment dead.

Cats do not always land on their feet. Proof: Pigeonz jumped off the bathroom sink onto the toilet as I was raising the lid knocking her in the head thus, propelling her backwards and she landed on her back. Science is fun, that was very fun experiment.

It's official, there's a new verb

Not surprisingly the Internet has spawned a new verb. It's not surprising because the Internet births 5 - 6 new verbs a day. Seventy five percent of those verbs are porn related but not YouTubing.

to YouTube: v, the action of watching YouTube Internet videos

Last night Kate and I were Youtubing some awesome fishing videos where Sharks would attack huge fish beging realed in. The craziest YouTube was a shark attaking another shark. Its worth a gander. Its funny how this thing caught on so huge. A few months ago I watched my first one and thought that the site would die pretty quickly or simply live in the oblivion of the Internetonians (those who live in the Internet i.e. spend more than 6 hours there a day) but its thriving.

Astronaught Spice is Gay

In shocking headlines today that momentarily dominated the front page of usatoday.com Astronaught Spice from 'NSYNC came out of the closset. It appears that he olnly wanted to go into orbit with russian astronaughs three years ago after Yuri promised him as astral bj overlooking the earth. For that he was willing to give up 20 million but for years he wasnt going to give up the fame and fortune of his band for a measly reach around. This is big news I'm sure to lots of 17 year old girls but why was it the lead story , even briefly, for a newsite when there are pretty much people dying every 10 minutes somwhere in the middle feast.

I also want to take this opportunity to appologize to Floyd Landis and all his fans. I watched a very entertaining piece on him last night. He is a mormon. His parents are from 1932 and dont own a tv and his mom truely still doesnt know how somebody can have a carreer being a bike ridder. Her terminology and lexicon really does shoot down eveything I said about him ridding sponsor money to the top. This is just some mormon who rode his bike around Quaker Pensilvanyia (sic) like a mad man with nothing better to do (except make sausages and molest goats). He is also one ugly mofo who really probaly isnt that smart and can just ride a bike for ever because his brain doesnt tell him he is tired. His mom, if you can find footage, is a hoot. She really has no clue how the world works out outside her front lawn.

Spoon and Cuddle our way to peace

There are a lot of troubles in the middle east right now. Everyone is fighting for the right to host the next super bowl. A lot of innocent people are dying for no reason.

I have the solution for peace. My best bud Chris and I could solve this dilema with a spoon and cuddle technique. While travelling and not bathing regularlyl it came to us that Chris' arm pits smelled like Lebanese cooking and bearded and shaggy I often got mistaken for Isreali. We got along for the most part. We did so by camping in sub zero weather where we would spoon in separate sleeping bags and cuddle for warmth so we wouldnt die. The middle east needs more cuddling and spooning and that will help pave the way to peace.

The only not super gay tight canary yellow shirt

Floyd Landis broke my dreams once again. No canadians graced the top ten, top twenty or top six million for all its worth. The third best sporting event in the world (1.World Cup 2.Stanley Cup 3.Tour de France 4.Women in bikinis) came to an end with the american Landis coming back on the second to last day to capture the grueling event. I dont like americans winning this race because I hate Lance Armstrong. Maybe he didnt use drugs but he is still a mutant to have been able to dominate to the extent that he did. Really its just sick. Its like me beating up 6 year olds, its fun as hell but gross and at the end of the day what does it prove. I hate the american cyclist because you dont see american cyclist in the US, or at least where I have been, yet their coaching, endorsement, funding money takes them to the top of a thoroughly european sport. Plus it should have been canadian Steve Bauer known as the north american bike hero of our century not ol' Crow banger. Bauer the best canadian on a bike ever (much further down was Curt Harnet and his halo-hair) reached the pinnacle of his career winning the first stage of the 88 Tour and wearing the coveted yellow jersey for five days. He eventually finished fourth but should have won cause I liked him a lot.

Tour highlite this year- totally naked flashing by 2 men and 3 women during the Pyrenese climbs that did not get censored by local CTV. Ron Reush had a boner and he was loaded on air as always so a drunked bonner by a 65 year old alcoholic validates my claim for this being the best of this years race.

side note: I liked the first american T d F winner Greg Lemond. He wasn't a terd.

Busy day at the office

TGIF, this is my daily office handy work. A great film and a great t-shirt.

35 Dead in the water

That's right, 35 dead queebsters already this summer from drownings. I dont know whats wrong with these people but they should know better to hit the water if they dont know how to swim or to lock up their pools so their toddlers dont go swimming alone. Thats a crazy high number.

I didnt see anybody drown over my water weekend. 3 days of swimming. Friday at the Laurier pool before some patio drinking. Saturday out at the home town of Queebster strong man Louis Cyr at some beautiful waterfalls with jumping spots and aweseome slides and great swimming holes. Great times out there after the pouring stopped and the sun came out. And yesterday at the McGill pool with its grass and side jump capabilities. Its great to bake in the sun, pull a flying squirrel than bake some more. Repeat. So yeah, I went swimming lots and didnt even almost drown and drinking and swimming is part of my curiculum so I dont know what those other fools are up to.

Don't hide your eyes (or your glasses)

Im not sure what this is. I was doing image searches today on the Internet looking for photos of celebrities in bikinis and the like when I came across this image. I have no clue what it is for or why it was on the site I found it on. I t hink everybody needs to see this though. I just made this the contest. The person who come s up with the best idea of what this is greats free home made cupcakes by me.

When you are done looking at it go play some games on the Internet to pass the time at work here: http://www.tripletsandus.com/80s/80s_games/foosball.htm

Its loaded to play foosball right away (beat the computer, I hate that bastard)

Tall Boys

Here's a shout out to all you tall folks. Just a reminder for you not to go to concerts and movies. You know you dont belong there tall people so stay the hell out. Just keep to your basketball courts where you belong or at the most just keep helping old ladies with lightbulbs. You dont see me trying to play basketball so stop ruining my concerts and movies. Fair?

Reich on

Who wants a cat that always reminds them of the holocaust?
- Nazis thats who.


I often jot down great ideas on matchbooks, shards of paper and magazines when Im out drinking and having a good time. I have piles of brilliant ideas littering my office. These enlightening moments may be fore brilliant t-shirts (camo belly) or tv shows (crime solivng caby) or inventions (Blackberry with scales for pot dealing hells angels). Often I dont remember writting them down nor the context in which they were written. The great line above is such an example. Although I do know from the page it was on that it was written last winter. Oh how I wish I could recall what train of thought/conversation led us down the road to holocaust cats.....

Wontco II

It really is true, the best payoffs come with the greatest risk. You have to take chances to get the most out of life. Thats why we snuck up to the balcony boxes for the Wilco show last night and enjoyed several songs with an insane view. All we needed to do was crawl under a fenced door. Sure the opening act came up during the encore and then security asked us to leave, which we did and boom back to the floor to watch the rest of the awesome set. They are one of the best bands around right now, period.

Okay what is with kids and pools and the deathtraps they have become. Some kid just lost his foot at a waterslide intake valve and has a risk of having his other amputated. What the hell? Its a water slide park with a hundred useless lifeguards everywhere. Unattended kiddy pools I understand, but its kind of survival of the fittest with those but when water parks become a danger for something other than cranial fractures and spinal blowouts than look out.

Remember Mussolini

Okay, big beef with Italy. What the hell are they doing winning the world cup. Most undeserving team to ever win the cup. They are horrible. Their team stinks and they play the borringest soccer ever. Somehow they managed to fluke out almost every game and got threw. USA almost beat them down by one man (most borring match ever for any sport), Ghana should have beat them. Czechs would have beat them if it were not for a red card. The Aussies should have beat them, they owned that game. Germany should have beat them badly. Okay, Ukraine didnt show up for this tournament and Italy beat them as they should but come on. One earned win for the whole thing. The Italians only have two moves: falling down and greasing their hair back. Maybe crying for their mom is a move too but its more of a Portuguese move. France owned those suckers and their is no way Italy deserves beating them even if Zidane is a knobjob who ruined his whole football career/reputation with one dumb head butt. Well my hatred for the Italians will grow for 4 years until South Africa.

Good thing the World Cup is only every four years. The racism it breeds, the racial slurs and stereotypes that appear throughout the tournament, and the world's new found hatred of the Italians would just foster wars if it were yearly.

Say Sir, that's one snazy pair of trousers

While biking the other night I was think ing of how much Iike to bike around and too bad that I t wasnt an onlympic event, the cruise biking marathon. That got me on to my other favorite summer activietes such as swimming and shaking it. That's when I came up with the Idle Man. Its a triathlon that is not about speed and endurance but more about style and fun. The first even is the swimming leg where the biggiest and gnarliest jumps off the diving board win. Flyign squirels are key. The next event is the bike cruise. This involves a chilled out shred session to as many bars as possible in two hours while consuming a pint at each bar. The final event that closes out the competition is the dance off where the tired, drunk , wet contestants have to strut their stuff and stump their rumps at a a groove-fest. There are no loosers in the Idle Man just wininners and retards. Girls are allowed to compete on the same playing fiels as men as long as they are topless for the diving evente/

Say Sir, that's one snazy pair of trousers

While biking the other night I was think ing of how much Iike to bike around and too bad that I t wasnt an onlympic event, the cruise biking marathon. That got me on to my other favorite summer activietes such as swimming and shaking it. That's when I came up with the Idle Man. Its a triathlon that is not about speed and endurance but more about style and fun. The first even is the swimming leg where the biggiest and gnarliest jumps off the diving board win. Flyign squirels are key. The next event is the bike cruise. This involves a chilled out shred session to as many bars as possible in two hours while consuming a pint at each bar. The final event that closes out the competition is the dance off where the tired, drunk , wet contestants have to strut their stuff and stump their rumps at a a groove-fest. There are no loosers in the Idle Man just wininners and retards. Girls are allowed to compete on the same playing fiels as men as long as they are topless for the diving evente/

Hallowed be thy game

So Blue on Blue this Sunday. The world cup this year as always has been great fun .It something to do everyday, then everyother day then once a week. Its nice how it doesnt make you just quit cold turkey like the NHL . You have time to slowly adjust to life without soccer. It will kind of be nice to have it over though so I wont have to listen to cars honk their horns all night. Plus I will save some money. I have been having to go out to watch games because of the no cable thing and its ended up costing me a fair penny. With all the meals, coffees and not to mention beers, I figure I have easily spent a few hundred bucks watching games while I could have just shelled out half as much and got cable at home for a year . Not atmostphere at home either and plus the cat is an Italian fan so tho that would have sucked. The Italian team only has two moves. Diving and slicking their hair back

Posthumous non believer

Often people in office buildings share space but know nothing about the people they share it with. Often the predominent thing a person does become them. For example, that guy is the tea drinker, or the hummer, or the man with the stupid car, or the woman with the cat calendar. I just found out what I was at the office. Im the guy who doesnt eat. People never see me eat because I eat at my desk behind my monolithic moniter so even my assistant finds it a rare occaision to see me chow down on some processed yummies. I guess the guy who doesnt eat is better then being the guy who pees on himself.

As the viceroy gallantly swung his penis forth....

Somehow, someway Joni Mitchel knew of what she spoke. They came in the night, took away the Austin Mini dealership and put up a Matres store. How does this happen without me noticing? I mean it must take a few days, it cant really be overnight. But boom, one day its a space designated to profer and distribute miniature british vehicles and the next its luring in the masses on promisses of a better sleep.

If both of those commoditiies still lie outside the realm of your pocketbook then the 10 bucks it would cost you to pick up a copy of Raymond Carver's short story collection Where Im Calling From is definitely worth it. He is a great short story writer. Just dont expect to look at your girlfriend/wife/boyfriend/husband the same way after parusing his pages.

Move on over

Canada day is all about moving over. After moving over its all about taking advantage of free beer and pizzzza. This year's ritualistic move-fest was awesome. 4 people, 6 appartments and one 20 foot cube van. As always a good move starts late, lets say four oclock. It involves a lot of boys, lets say 5 and a few girls, lets say 2. A few appartments have to be on 3 or 4th floors and the streets have to be filled with cars and no parking. With the prospect of all this I felt weary that we would be still moving at 2 in the mourning but to my utter amazement we were done at 10. 6 appartment moved in 6 hours. Insane. It was pretty damn easy to get drunk quickly after that.

The other great thing than free beer on moving day is free stuff left behind. This year was a little less profitable than others by I still walked away with a new bike that needed a little work and a burgler bat (Louisville Slugger softball style.) Add in the jazz fest, some pool action, patio fun and then you have yourself a good long weekend.

Oh, and what also makes a good long weekend but makes it seem short is if you go to the bar at 10am for a soccer game and leave 7 hours later after the next soccer game. If you happen to drink the whole time then yeah, its sure to give you a short long weekend.

BB Queen

No he isnt the queen of bbqs he is the BB King and Conor and I scored some freebies to go see the lengend last night to open the Jazz Fest. Even at 80 the old man could belt them out. He kind of engulfed a chair the whole performance and nearly told as many stories as he sang songs but nonetheless, it was entertaining to hear him perform some classics. I dont know how his stubby fingers let him play that way and nevermind how he manages to reach his guitar perched upon him gluttonous belly. His band was pretty hot too, wicked musicians with a quirky sense of humor. They was all decked out in tuxedoes while we sat in shorts and tees. Screw the people who spent about $120 to see the show and got all dressed up. The Blues are about what you feeling inside, not how stained your shorts are on the outside.

Queebster weekend

Things happen in Quebec that dont happen elsewhere. People here are a distinct society. They like jester hats and black lights and shitty music sung in french. This weekend was the almighty christmas day for the queebsters- St-Jean Baptiste. The parties were partied and the squids were out.

The best party was the cut-off jean short party where the shorter the shorts the better



Then there was also the cabarat party which just gave women the excuse to wear underhoses and boustier type things. NO beer allowed, just the hard stuff



Then the squids... they like to rock the dry ice. He just got busted trying to actually lay in the pool bellow the car



Good times

Summer and all her glory

The best thing about summer other than swimming in kids pee is that all the neighbors open their windows so that I can hear the old man downstair dying of something dry heave for an hour right bellow my office window. Its nice to sit at your computer, sun shinning in, working in shorts listening to somebody die all summer. I thought last summer was the last but no, him and I both fortunate to have another great summer together.

As long as it doesnt get in the way of my training I should be okay though. I am an athlete. Honing my skills, preparing for battle. I had a huge workout with Conor last weekend. We trained hard, 3 soccer matches and one hockey game on Sat and 3 more soccer games on Sun. It was hard work but well worth it.

The pools are open.

Office revenge on the rich

Hey guess what all you office hobos condemned to your office cubicles and alisten up all you rcich people. Its thursday, Imstitting in my office, drinking coffee (bad but free) and all I h ave to do today is make two phone calls, do a 10 minute invoice and boom I m free to read the latest release by of graphic novels by Drawn and Quareterly that isnt even in stores yet and then Ill read my free design magazine that was sent to me and then Ill read the other newspaper s and then Ill check up on on the news on the Internet so screw you rich people, your not the only ones who have it cushy.

Office revenge on the rich

Hey guess what all you office hobos condemned to your office cubicles and alisten up all you rcich people. Its thursday, Imstitting in my office, drinking coffee (bad but free) and all I h ave to do today is make two phone calls, do a 10 minute invoice and boom I m free to read the latest release by of graphic novels by Drawn and Quareterly that isnt even in stores yet and then Ill read my free design magazine that was sent to me and then Ill read the other newspaper s and then Ill check up on on the news on the Internet so screw you rich people, your not the only ones who have it cushy.

Maybe a problem but Im awake anyways...

We might have a situation at our house. Recently we decided to do our part to eliminate our guilt of not doing anything by starting to compost because surely, that will save the planet. Anyways, its been going well and I have committed to it fully in that when I remember, I put my organics in. However, today while putting the old coffee grounds in I noticed something alarming. Over 90% of our compost is coffee. Either we are drinking was too much coffee or we are afraid of fruits and vegies and since I have cut back on the coffee intake to ward off the stomach fires it must be the later. When I think back on it other than the daily apple at work I average about 3 servings of vegetables a week. Its amazing to think that I can mantain such a kiler physique on my diet. Im seriously ripped.

Speaking of coffee, in desperation I have started using the coffee machine at work. This is not something to take lightly, the machine is a beheemoth similar to the computer that Astroboy used to check in with daily. It rumbles as louder than an appachee warrior's war cry when you make a brew and plus you have to run it twice just to get one regulation mug and the whole process takes five minutes. Its in the lunch room, regardless I can hear the beast preparing to poison someone all the way from my office. You would think a company that grosses millions annually could invest in a brew machine that wasnt made in cold war Poland.

Time Travel

It has always been known that it takes forever to play the final minutes of a basketball game. Watching the Suns and the Mavs play the other night I decided to make this a scientific proof that time travel does exist. With my trusted stopwatch and a even more trusted beer I started timing the last 15 seconds of a close game. 8 minutes later the fifteen seconds were up. 8 minutes to play 15 seconds, that is insane, furthermore, this is more insane because it proves that time travel is possible.

I saw Zep last night...

I think I saw Led Zeppelin last night. Went to go see the Australian trio known as Wolfmother and they rocked this town silly. Great show, it was classic 70s power rock and these guys knew how to dish it out. The theatre was sickenly hot, you got soaked just standing there and were forced to drink beer to keep hydrated. Wolf Bastard is the name of my wolf band. Everybody needs a wolf band name. If anybody needs an extra one there is Wolf Toast that is still open but Wolf Parade, Wolf Mother, Aids Wolf, Wolf Eyes, Lone Wolf, Lost Wolf.

Sport Talk and BPC

Sports are everywhere right now. You have the Stanley Cup playoffs, NBA playoffs, the world cup starts next week and the regulars like baseball and football are gettin underway. It seems every station you turn to is talking about one of them but my question is why nobody is talking about the newest sport fad the bicycle pub crawl. This is an awesome sport that merits much more media intention. Its a sport not for the mild at heart or milk of kidneys. Not only must the athletes navigate kilometers of land they must also consume litters of beer. The conditions are never pristines; smoke filled bars, flat tires, one way streets. Its a veritable mine field of dangers waiting at every corner for the bicycle pub crawl athlete. Sports fans get into this now. For all those keeping track Conor and I tied this weekend on our BPC match. Very hard faught afair.

Abuse of power

Ben Paker once told Pete that with great power comes great responsibility. Did super man ever use his x-ray vision to peep on girls in the locker room? Did Batman ever cop a feel on a passed out lilly he just saved? Would I ever use my great powers as an art director to secure sexual favors from young nubile photographers? That was the question the other night at the annual student vernisage we went to. Although there is really nothing I can do to help any of those graduating fools its one of the only times where people will fawn over what I do. Luckily nobody knew who I was or I would of had some tough decisions on my hand...

Kudos on them this year for giving out full beers there too. If Im going to go to a show and have hours worth of awkward conversations I want to at least be able to get drunk and I am getting tired of asking for twelve shot glasses worth of wine that barely wet the tongue and the wait staff are always tired of supplying me with twelve shot glasses of wine. This way they only have to see me 5 or 6 times and Im happy.

Sidenote, the boob factor of this years work was down considerably. Only one and it was a daring self-portrait.

Does your dog like music

More Oprah Hate

Oprah had on a beutician (or in her case a cowtician) the other day who spoke about makeup and during one segment she went in and waxed Oprah's eyebrows. Now I dont envy anyone who has to be that near the face of death but I dont envy seeing that on television either. As the camera zoomed in on Oprah, ever closer to her unporous face you began to notice not a wrinkled blemished her face. Under her eyes were skating rinks of smooth flesh, the corners of her mouth were held taunt as pelts left drying. Her forehead was flatter than... something really flat. Its sick, absolutely repulsive how falsified her face is. Someone who has this much work done should not be allowed to hold audiences. They should not be permitted to speak in public ever. Think of the implications. This woman is giving out advice. This woman whose face is 50% not her own daily doles out sermons to her flock. It makes me want to puke, honestly. It enrages me.

What made me nearly lash out at my tv set though was her critical comment on the media who "always report the next day that I had a face lift every time I get my eyebrows waxed." Can you blame them? There are more plastics on your face than in the FisherPrice factory. You sicken me Oprah, I hope the chemicals in your face seep into your brain and destroy you.

As with all action heroes action tends to surrond me. Take last night for an example, quite the action packed affair. First off our neighbor rushed herself to the hospital after an allergic reaction. I was there to oversee her safe getaway. Secondly, the Oilers won game two of their series and once again, I was there making sure no evil doer was on hand. Thirdly a gunshot, no, a car accident just outside our window outside the cheeze bar. I hovered above, sure to disuade a driver catfight should it errupt. Fourthly, and earthquake or an explosion that shook our whole building twice this morning. Some evil doer surely seeking revenge for my thwarting of their evil plans. Its tough being an action hero but the benefits of witnessing all that makes it more than worth it.

Page 8 of the Journal de Montreal yesterday has a full page on a rollercoaster marriage proposal at La Ronde featuring one of our friends.... Im still not sure what to think.

Ready for Jesusland

Well I have gotten all my preparations ready for Jesusland. After the 11th day of rain I gave Noah a ring and all is set. I then went out and did a whole bunch of good deeds, like letting someone have my bbqbeer box off my bike. Hey nobody needs an underwater bike anyways. This is the second milk crate stolen off my bike. Who steals those, who takes the bungee cords as well. Why dont they just steal them from behind some store or at the grocery store like everybody else. Isnt stealing a milk crate from somebody like trying to enseminate a pregnant lady. I know one thing for sure though, whoever took it isnt going to heaven.

Know what you find out after watching a rainy weekend full of tv drinking rum and cokes by yourself. Well you find out that cuban rum is tasty and a fair majority of the people on tv ought to be shot.

Just found out a crack whore lives across the street. And to think I wasting my time going all the way down town when I needed to score. My bad.

Freedom fighter of the day

I bet at least half of our nation this week has seen a photo of Captain Nichola Goddard, the canadian soldier killer in Afghanistan. Her photo was on the web, on full page spreads, dailys and weeklies. Sure it warrants being there, it must make her family proud but instead of only giving our freedom fighters post mortem coverage why dont we make their families, friends and they themselves even more proud by having a page 4 Freedom Fighter of the Day. Borrow from the Sun Girl and post living soldiers photos. It makes more sense to me to honor the living than to glorify the dead. I would cut out a photo of my son in his fatigues and put it on my fridge but I doubt I would be apt to do the same for my dead son. Too hard. I would also put my daughter in her page three bikini on the fridge only if she were still alive. Page 5 could be lady soldiers in camo bikinis. I guess page six could be hot nurses too and on page 7 would could have firefighter chicks. Lets honor our freedom makers.

Would you do this

The unborn baby that is growing in my stomach but that will never come out has been causing lots of heart burn. Nothing else can explain it. So with my connections I got me some Pantoloc that inhibits the proton pumps. Supposedly it works well but as with all medications there are risks. Sure headaches, diarhea and fatigue can always be expected but your skin coming off your muscless.... sure its a long shot but so is winning at bingo and people still play. Would you trade heartburn for the risk of this

More common:
headache

Less common or rare: Sure most of these are acceptable
aching, fullness, or tension in sinuses
anxiety
back pain
belching
blurred vision
chills
confusion
constipation
cough
difficulty moving
dizziness
drooling
feeling of constant movement of self or surroundings
flatulence
hoarseness
indigestion
loss of energy or strength
migraine headache
muscle rigidness or stiffness
neck pain
rectal problems (they dont specify what type)
ringing or buzzing in the ears
runny or stuffy nose
sensation of spinning
sneezing
sore throat
trouble sleeping

Less common or rare: These ones are nuts:

blistering, loosening, peeling, or redness of skin
"bull's eye"-like rash on skin
difficulty in speaking
difficulty urinating
large, hive-like swellings on eyelids, face, lips, mouth, or tongue
loosening or stripping off of top layer of skin
painful urination
yellow eyes or skin

I dont think so Tim

Like father like son

While Kate was in the maritimes visiting my folks my father was doing some spring cleaning and decided to take the trailor to the dump full of garbage. The trailor had a flat though, no big deal just fill it up and it will most likely last the trip. Kate laughed at him and told him that I would do the same thing with my bike. Dont fix it just pump it up and expect it to last. So yesterday after pumping up my third flat of the season I biked to work. It held fine, no problems, just smooth shreddin'. After work, I step out into the rain and discover the flat is flatter than a teen joke about a flat chested girl. Im pissed, Im wet, Im tired and Im ridding this bike home of the rim. It rode better than expected but made a lot of noise, I woke up all the bums I passed on St-Laurent. Im contemplating getting some expanding foam and shooting the tire full so I never have to change a flat again, plus I can squirt it into the ears of my friends when they pass out at parties.

Sidenote of the week. Sunset Rubdown, Spencer Krug of Wolf Parade debut solo project is well worth then $0.43 it will cost to download it. Resonates with the wolf but more lo fi. Second album worth checking out is The Raconteurs with Jack White and Brendon Benson reciprocatingly writting wicked blues rock anthems. Benson, for all those ignorant of the real 90s genius wrote One Mississippi, one of the best album of that decade.

If anyone sees Oprah this week, tell her shes fat.

New Supergroup

In the musical world there have been numerous supergroups such as the Travelling Wilburys, New Pornographers, Asia and Velvet Revolver, to name only a few. But why are there not other types of entertainment supergroups. I propose the loser super group that combines super losers who when united simply entertain our asses off. I think that Micheal Jackson, David Blane and Donald Rumsfeld would make a great team of ass monkeys. I would watch a sitcome with them, heck Id consider Tivo if they had a show. Think about Life.

What a difference 10 years make

Last night while doing my weekly Sunday TV analysis I briefly stopped into Wysteria lane to see what the slummy mummies were up to. The crazy red head from Melrose place was throwing a party for her kids 17th birthday. She seems hardcore annal and so she had the whole thing all planned out and her kid freaked, thinking it was mondo lame and left home. The thing is that sure, ten years ago that probably would be shitty but if I were to throw that party now it would be awesome. Just think if you showed up to a kegger and there were heaps of balloons forming a 10 foot #27 and there was a "hip" juggler who only performed to the Beatles. This is pretty wicked but couple this with the fahita bar the mother got and man, you got a wicked party. I only dream of parties like that now. Are you reading this mom, next party you throw for me break it down Wysteria Way....

Hyenas make good pets

They take care of the children, mow the lawn and endyou watching family movies.

Carrots, belts and many moons

This sucks, this is totally unfair, unjust and on the brink of criminality. I can no longer eat whatever I want and keep my George Clooney body. Call it ageing, call it karma, call it revenge for all the hilarious fat people jokes I've spit out but I need to actually veer off my current flight pattern or get a pre 30 belly and buy new pants. I was going to lend a trick-money-belt to a friend but trying it on and realized it aint be fittin no mo.
The last month has been bad, I nearly eliminated vegetables and meals, doubled my pizza intake to quadweekly, hamburgers weekly and carbs flowing out my ass can no longer be sustained by my metabolism. All this might be fine but coupled with my ideaology that I can skip supper and just go to bed when I get hungry always fails and leaves me eating a cheese wiz and (fill in the blanks) at midnight laughing at Ron Reush and his santa gut. Kate suggested Light Beer but I reminded her I wasnt trying to become less not-gay rather less not-skinny. I think I am going to have to go drastic here and cut out the cookies, cheese wiz and use my year and a half of uni-biology and bio-engineer myself some cookie flavored celery and choco-carrots. I might order something from Tony Little as well. Speed seems to make everyone more George Clooneyesque.

Cens-this

I am going to do my own census

How many shitty Canadian census are there?--1
How many stupid census are there?--1
How messed up is the online census?(0-5, 5 being vey)--5
How accurate is the census?(0-5, 5 being vey)--0
Should we just get fourth graders to fake it? (Yes or No)- Yes
How accurate would that be? (0-5, 5 being vey)--4
How many times did I wipe my ass with the french census this week?--2 (double sided fold out)

I consider myself to pretty computer literate and my computer, while not supersonic, pretty up to date but when the time came last night to do my online census those fuckers kept telling me my system wasnt up to snuff. How is butt fuck joe in back woods Quebec supposed to even attempt an online survey if I cant. Go screw yourself Canadian census. Two people live here, we both make shitty money, were older than we want to be, we have no kids, no car, one cat and hate your damn census.

Master Director of the Universe

Tickets to see Hawksley Workman: $22.50
Tickets to see Raising the Fawn iand In Flight Safety: $12.50
Tickets to see The Strokes: $35
Beeing a Fancy pants art director and going to see these shows for free this weekend: Priceless

These ads are so damned played out that the creative director behind themshould hang himself on his million dollar ya cht out of shame they rich dumb bastard.

Wednesday= Rump Day

You know the best thing about my industry? Its being able to go into work at 11 oclock on Wednesday hungover, tired, and grumpy and still getting there before the boss and half the other staff who come in more hungover than you, more tired than you and quite a bit grumpier. The worst thing about my industry is the lack of good free coffee. Dont they know what motivates people like us? A free cup of gourmet coffee that would cost the company about $0.35 would improve production by at least 15%.

You know the worst thing about girls? Its that when they are drunk they cant talk anymore, they can only yell. Why is that? I guess its because they arent as good as sports as us.

There is a Jesus and his name is Edmonton

There is no finer rush than starting your day by passing taxis with downhill s-curves going about 50. Traffic shredding is two heaps of sugar better than coffee for a mourning high. That said, it only takes about 30 seconds to realize that biking home in the pouring rain is not worth the $2 on a metro ticket. While on the subject what kind of building code does not permit you to bring bikes up to your own office. The 'but if I let you then I have to let everyone' line doesnt work because whoever has an office should be able to put whatever he or his employers allow them to. Screw the concierge.

Youpie, how dare you

Oh yeah, supply and demand. I was fortunate enough to pay double for a playoff ticket to see the Habs on Friday. Lucky me, I got to help cheer them on to a loss that essentially meant their playoff death. Something I am used too since they are 1-3 when I go to the games. The game was great though and the atmosphere electric. 22 thousand people booing is a pretty cool sound.
What bugged me though was that Youpie didnt take his hat off during the national anthem. What kind of disrespectful mascot is he? Also some old man and his wife were getting mad at us for standing up and cheering at opportune times. They told us and the people in front of us to sit down a few times until one of the dudes threateningly told the old man to Fuck Off. Who goes to a game and gets angry at the fans for getting into the game and standing up on a breakaway? Oh and if you want to get on the Jumbo tron be a girl and have boobs and wear a tight canadians t-shirt showing off your boobs and bring a sign that says POM bread and you are up there the whole game.

As if we needed more proof but...

The other day I was in a gathering with some elderly ladies, (something that seems to be happening more than I want it to lately) and somebody brought up a great bargain. OOh said everybody that is a great bargain. Then the old lady next to me who seemed to be ostresized by everybody else said "if you think thats a deal, my friend just a rolex for $5" and to validate the fact she followed this up with "they can make anything for nothign in China now." I dont know how somebody can be so stupid. I didnt have the heart to tell her that they can make anything fake in China. Man, thats the last time I hang out with a group of senior ladies. I cant handle it anymore....

Just so its clear...

Just so its clear.... my handle bars are going to snap off of my bike soon and I am probably going to wipe out. Oddly enough I left my bike home the other night when we went to see the Supersuckers so it, and I, would be safe and when I got back I realized a fat person had sat on the handle bars and bent one of them quite badly. I do understand where the fat person was coming from though, they saw a bike and yet again became uncontrollably angry because they are not able to ride bikes and then they took their frustrated fury out on my bike. I can only hope that I wipe out soon before I start biking shirtless and in shorts. It would be preferable to wipe out now in jeans and a coat.

The devil spirit

I gots me the playoff fever. Of the 12 games over the weekend I got to watch, or should I say was blessed with vision and honored to be able to use it for 9 of them. HOCKEYYYYYYYY, I have major heart burn caused by all the stress. There are dishes everywhere, clothes strewn about the rooms of our house. I have eaten 21 different types of fried foods, none of which were chicken. I have lived as if alone, playoff boyfriends' girlfriends somehow become invisible as do most responsibilities. I visit NHL.com more than I visit the washroom (which I run to now for fear of missing a goal.) I yell, I swear, I hug men, I sit in disbelief, I dance in joy. I have playoff fever.
I also have petanque balls.

Petasse petanque

Meandering through China town the other day after work I was guided into a small everything shop by the smell of mushroom tea and sweaty transport containers. Once inside I found what I knew I wasnt looking for but always wanted; petanque balls. Much cheaper than in a real store I got my six piece for a measly $40 which included a metal lockable carying case. Fast forward 6 hours and several beers and Kate and I are undefeated at 3-0. A wonderful night out at the parc with friends until we hear " some guys got nothing but the rain..." running at us in a queebster accent. Ahhh the joys of quebec where drunks like to be your friend and love you and yell at you and just not leave. This dude was the stereotypical drunkman buddy. Talked to us about the french/english issue, told us how his father beat him, told us he loved us all, told us how hard it is to have a girlfriend in Detroit you only see once a year etc... we didnt let him play petanque though. If we were asses we could of sold him ciggys for five bucks a pop because " I don wanna be cheap wif my new friends."

Let the shred races begin

Ahh the glory of a championship shreder. I had my first road race of the season last night, and let me tell you, I detroyed that lady. We met halfway home just up the big hill by Sherbrooke. She was much more prepared than me. She was dressed in full spandex, fancy helmet, bike gloves and a 24 speed road bike. I was in jeans, hoodie and my trusty 5 speed. She had the advantage on the uphills but my street smarts and off roading short cuts gave me the edge and after trading the lead position througout the initial 10 minutes when we finally reached the parc she could not keep up to me as I parted the squirels on the off road and zig-zagged around the strollers and dogs along the parc path. All said and done I left her 300m behind at the Mount-Royal road finnish line. This season is shapping up to be fine one and hopefully more business men and women will taste the deadly wrath of my bike races as they dare challenge me with a silent stare. Shred hard or shred home business people on your fancy bikes with your fancy gear. I dont have a shower in my office so take that.

Canadian Psycho

I just read American Psycho by Bret Easton Ellis. Its good. Its disturbing. It lingers with you, it actually gets under your skin. I just watched American Psycho. Its alright, not as good. Doesnt stick with you though. Ive lost motivation to write anything further.

Shrivled Post '40 brains

I have on several occaision on this location ranted against the eldery. Sometimes justly, othertimes more justly. I have proven myself to be unfair in their evaluation thus far though. They are not merely rude and bitter but they are also insanely dumb. I somehow got myself into an orienteering course this weekend with 9 women over 60 and myself. I should have done some more research, these women would probably have taken a course in dismanteling land mines just to have something to do to fend of the lonesomeness. The course was good, lasted all day but could have lasted 2 hours if these fogies were at all blessed with a brain. They were so stupid, so incredibly, mind blowingly stupid. If you look at a compass it has 360 degrees on it and an arrow with two ends. When we were learning how to back track you just have to go 180 backwards, so you add or subtract 180 from your original bearing OR you look at the opposite end of your arrow. Im serious we spent 15 minutes going over this and still some of them didnt get it. They did not have the brain power to look at the white end of the arrow rather than the red. I am now constructing a chip that I will implant into my head that will self destruct when I become that dumb and thus save the world from more pointless questioning I might have.... Im still blown away by how stupid these people were I dont want to even start with the math ratio part we did with the maps.

Jesus saw his shadow yesterday so I guess that means 7 more weaks of Christianity.

Bike Vs Metro

I am going to keep a running tab this summer on how much my bike costs me. Although the joy I get from it is pricelss (or about $5000) I am betting right now that I will put in more than the bike is worth ($100) or even for that matter how much a new decent bike would cost me ($250). I will also be keeping a running tab of how much I have to spend on the Metro when my bike ultimately fails me leaving no other option that public transportation to get to work.
The running taly will be kept in the comments.

So thus far I have spent:

$10 on a new inner tube for the flat back tire (April 12th)
$12 on metro tickets to get to work this week
$6 new inner tube (april 29)
$25 New tire and new inner tube (June 13th)
$51 New rim, hub and inner tube (July 28th)

My humble appologies, I was wrong

It has been brought to my attention that my facts for the last entry were pretty skewed. I got my info from the Rick Mercer Report and I tried to fact check them on the Internet but couldnt find anything I trust, probably because they did not corellate with Mr. Mercer. Thanks to my political annalassis for the truth injection. Its funny, I still think his show is funny but ever since Mercer and Mark Tewksberry started dating I dont find his show as reliable. Nothing to do with the homosexuality simly the lack of factusexuality in his broadcast.

Once again my humble appologize to all concerned, nobody hates shaddy journalism worse then me and anyone who perpetuates falseness should be hung. (and shot with bb guns).

Sinister Ministers

The reason I love politics is that these people are the worst possible type of humans ever and we get to see what people would do if they could do anything they want. I would consider having Paul Bernardo as a live-in nanny for my children rather than these jerks. Its questionable who has the worst morals.

Here is my favorite jack-ass move lately with Harper's Cabinet which includes:

Minister of the Atlantic Canada Opportunities Agency- this is held by an Albertan. I guess nobody back home is smart enough

Minister of Canadian Heritage and Status of Women- this is held by a man, I guess no woman is smart enough

Minister for la Francophonie and Official Languages- held by a Calgarian, its too hard to understand someobody from Quebec or somebody who even speaks french for that matter

Minister of Citizenship and Immigration- held by some small town Saskatchemewanian, I guess somebody who lived and dealt with minorities would be jaded if they took the position.

Screw you Harper, go shake your kids' hands. Thanks RMR for the heads up on this vital info.

New Rule

Okay new rule out there. If you are an accused child abuser and you get a new foster child in your care and said child at the age of five weighs 21 pounds and then he dies then you have your two strikes against you. Now its my turn to get my three strikes against you with a bat. Thats right from now on child offenders of any type are going to be on the recieving end of my baseball bat. Sounds fair to me.

We grow smaller and smaller

Well we have to end apartheid for one. And slow down the nuclear arms race, stop terrorism and world hunger. Ensure a stong national defense, prevent the spread of communism in Central America, work for a Middle East peace settlement, prevent U.S.. military involvement orerseas. We have to sensure that America is a respeced world power... find a a cure for the AIDS epidemic, clean up environmental damage from toxic waste and pollution, improve the quality of primary and secondary education, strengthen laws to crack down on crime and illegal drugs. We also have to ensure that college education is affordable for the middle class and protect Social Security for senior citizens plus conserve natural resources and wilderness areas and reduce the influence of political action committees.

This is an excerpt from American Psycho written in 1991 but set in the me me me consumeristic '80s. How far have we come from then?

Yeah, no more aprtheid and South Africa is all fine now....

The alphabet

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

The all new five word review

I have just invented the five word review. From time to time I will grace this space with reviews of music, cinema, litterature as well as the other arts when the need surfaces.

As an introduction to these reviews, make sure your chair is well purchased in its location and enjoy the critique of :
Inside Man

Despite clothed Foster, light entertainment

Hide and go shit

There is a new office game that is sweeping the nation. If your office isnt playing it yet, what's stopping you? Get playing Hide and Go Shit. Its where the business men in your office have a shit and dont flush and everybody has to guess who did it. A variation of the game is to have a disgusting after business-meal poo and clog the toilet and everybody has to guess who clogged and while at the same time avoiding suspicion while they walk out of the other bathroom through the pool of water in the hallway. Oh its such fun. Try and play at least 2 or 3 times a week.

Lardertainment

One of the things I missed most while I was in Iraq was my Magic Bullet. Sure I could have cooked up those Iraquis a feast that would have freed me weeks earlier but what I really missed was the infomercial. No doubt one of the first things I did when I got back was to go through the infomercial to tackle some new recipes, ones that I'd been eyeing for awhile. Like the chocolate mouse..... one container of 35% whipping cream and ample chocolate sauce for 6 seconds. Whipped delight, a river of chocolatey goodness floating down my throat. This is one the Magic Bullet is all about. Until Kate tries it, says its good but taste like lard, and she's right and so now it sits half eaten in the fridge.

Itsy bitsy teeny weeny Canadian Tire hot bikini

Over the last few weeks when I had a canvas sack shoved over my head I had a lot of time to think. This gave me a lot the occasion to come up with several wonderful, and might I add profitable, ideas. Id like to share some of these ideas with you as long as you assure me you wont steal them. If you will please leave now. Have you left? Good. This is the most relevant one seeing as how bikini time will soon be upon us. The bikini is made up of basically three triangles and a bum. What else is made of triangles you ask? Well the Canadia Tire logo. Get a white bikini, put the logo on both boob parts and on the bottom part and throw Sandy McTire's face on the ass and you have a hit bikini that will take off faster than the Budwiser bikini and the bikini t-shirt combined. Girls love Canadia Tire almost as much as they love Tim Hortons... wait a minute. Another brilliant idea just came to me... Im going to go eat a large box of timbit all by myself.

Thanks alot everybody....

OH thanks media, thanks for all the attention. I spend 41 days as a hostage kidnapped in Iraq and 41 days later Im released and no coverage, nothing. James Loney and Jill the pill get all the hoopla la. So what if I wasnt over there for peace reasons or on a christian mission to bring freedom and Jesus to the damne?. So what if I was there for selfish reasons, trying to make a profit, looking to score a pistol for my father and a baby for my sister? It still doesnt mean I dont deserve some coverage. Geez, I was in some stinky cave watching Al jazeera for almost two months, getting addicted to mint tea and barley soup, getting black teeth and enjoying to "Joey" re-runs dubbed into Arabaic. I came out hoping for at least a parade if not some small street in my home town named after me but no nothing. I thought at least, if nothing else, I would come back to my blog filled with die hard Tuckshow fans begging to find out where I went. The one thing that kept me going when I was smoking copious amounts of hash with al my Mohameds was that the Tuckshow family would be demanding answers from our goverment and organizing their own covert rescue mission if necessary. But no. So screw you CNN, CBC, ABC, NBC, CBS, PCP, ASN, MSN, BBC, CTV, BET, VLT, FOX and especially you HIV.

Keebler elfs in the sink

Yesterday while doing dishes we discoverd a plant growing in our drying sink. Its about 2 inches tall so I dont know how long it has been growing. Its pretty cool though. Not many people are talented enough to grow trees in their sinks.

Tucker Version 2.0.5

The spiders have brought me forth. Out of the darkness they have drawn me with their sickening, secretive, egg laying. This time the critters have burronew into my mouse hand and layed a few eggs that will no doubt make me much more quick at solitaire. Damn bastards. Oh well Im back and more successful than ever, Im not as full of hate, mosty just occupied with tiredness and stress that dont allow me to get angry. Plus if I were to get angry at lets say.. how much we choke at the Olympics as athletes than I would die. So I have just decided to give Olympic observations for awhile:


1. What the hell is going on with doubles luge. Who invented that and why. Singles sure, makes sense, looks fun and isnt gross. Here is a doubles conversation. "No, no Im not gay, no I dont think its gross to spoon my brother in spandex and go real fast down this hill clinging to each other, synching our breathing, our sweat meshing as one. No I just like to go fast and be clinging, it makes me feel manly"
Doubles luge looks stupid as hell.

The new version of Tucker has bugs that must be worked out so please be patient as our technicians reply to your queries in hopes of providing you with the best possible Tucker. Hopefully by next week he will no longer be waking before 8 worrying.

I shall return more powerful than ever

I must take a hiatus from complaining but I will be back and when I come back I will be more powerful than ever. More powerful than Jesus, more powerful than 20 sasquatches beating on the hood of a car, more powerful than one of Oprah's farts (well not that powerful because she feeds on dead babies how else could she attain such power. Oh and Im not going to be more powerful than Oprah because I am not going to eat babies, Im getting a real job and my power will come from good and money rather than the dark power I formerly possed by being angry and cynical. I will retain my cynicims and sarcasm though it will be frought with happyness and fairys and other things that come in tints of aqua blue/green).

Until then keep complaining and do some of my work for me. And keep hating all the injustice in the world including that of old angry people.

Hey Vampires: get over yourselves

Yeah, thats right vampires get over yourselves. You guys really arent that scary. I actually feel sorry for you guys. You are all so lonely and people keep mistaking you for goths. Its just a shitty life if you ask me. You guys cant even fly except like your bosses so really why woud I be afraid of you. Even D&D loosers can get surgery to get their inscissors sharpened so your not really even unique with your fangs anymore. Plus Im sure Bigfoot could tear you a new hole and I bet sharks would just rip you guys appart and with handguns now Im sure I could blow your head off. So really just get over it Vampires, you guys use to be THE shit an now your just shit.

Sidenote to Vampire chicks: Its still hot when you wear leather so dont stop that.

I want my quarterback

For the last sevral months I have been saving my quarters, putting them aside. I was hoping to save up forty of them and roll them and bring them into the bank for cash money. It was to be my rainy day money. I was able to save up a bunch of them when I went 10 days without coffee, so much so that I nearly had 20 dollars worth . But like Rome all great things must crumble over a bad weekend of debauchery and fire and sodomy (nothing burnt and there was no sodomy here though and actually not much debauchery just a film and laundry. Two days was all it took to leave me with only 3 quarters. 7 dollars worth for laundry, 5 dollars for two metro tickets and 2 for coffee. Its all gone.

Fire, Fire, Fire

The fire alarm went off in our office yesterday. Nobody reacted though, we are all too cool for fires. The big cheese had to come and tell us to leave, so we huffed and we puffed and we all took our ipods out, half of us tried to use the elevators. Who wants to walk two flights of stairs. When we got outside we were so pissed at the firetrucks showing up because they were getting in the way of our schedule. We all hated the loosers who wear tuques and gloves because they looked warmer (and way less cool) than us. The nerd firemen took like 15 minutes to check it out and then just left. Nobody told us if we could go back into the building but we went back anyways. Most of us forgot our smokes up there.
The most surprising thing was that our homeroom teacher didnt come do a head count. How could she have been sure we made it out alive. I almost wish a few of us would have burned to death so the guilt of her neglect would eat away at her FOREVER.

Self Reminder 2038

This is just to remind myelf in 32 years to bath at least once a week.There are some old people who smell kind of bad. Some old lady in a fur coat came in to the store and she smelled like old poop. It was probably the worst smelling person I ever smelled, even worse the men with BO playing sports. I just dont want to be like that so future Chris dont forget to wash now and then.

My favorite thing in life right now

These are my favorite things about life currently:

-eating cough drops while drinking ice cold water
-having 7 remote controls on the coffee table
-really bitter comic strips done by dissilusioned office workers
-graphic novels
-thinking about one day owning an Xbox360
-boobs
-how referees are the real gods of hockey, think about it. They control it all. They are the frosty almighty.
-saying "Im a politician blah, blah, blah" in various funny voices and then laughing
-watching Pigeonz hunt my leg
-TGIFs

88 layers of bullshit

It is a widely misknown fact that the center of the earth is not made of magma but rather of bullshit. Our planet is 97% bullshit: carbon, oxygen and hydrogen comprising the other 3%. This becomes very apparent when going to the bank and dealing with governmental bureaucracies. The bank first of all is total bullshit. You need them now to get paid by most companies and then they ask you to hold down your wife while they chop off her head and violate her dead corpse. How can the bank charge $28 for 50 cheques that they will make even more money off of later. Then when you ask them why they cant justify it they just say its because they have to be expidited and they when you ask them to just normally process yours they cant do that, they have to be expidited. Then they offer you the cheaper deal for $25 and then cant find that deal because they are incompetent but their CEO is making 6,733,903 (Gordon Nixon, 2004). Fuck you Royal Bank you ass raping bandits. Stop sending me pre-approved credit line applications in the mail and you could probably reduce my rediculous service fee every month. Who ever heard of paying people to use your money so they can become ridiculously rich.

Then you wade through even more bullshit, but a more rank and AIDS infested type when you go to register to vote. The power tripping loosers to be found there is insane. I almost suffocated do to all the hot air being shot out of all the post-McGill political science grads hanging around and telling old people how awesome and powerful they are. It was funny one kid got mad at another kid because he didnt go through the proper voting process with a 112 yeal old man because he was too weak to walk around the desk to sign something and instead did it sitting down and then the one kid said to the other kid " Sir could you please come here for a minute" and then slammed the door and talked all powerful to him and sent him out and the kid was all shaking his less powerful head when he left with the old man. I voted and left but when I got home I had to take a shower and burn my clothes because I smelt like bullshit. Needless to say it was an awesome day discovery the core of our earth.

News flash for CBC radio

Hey CBC news flash, there is more going on in the world other than the upcoming elections here and the events in Israel. Its like 24 hrs of repeated boringness on their broadcast unless you are some looser actually interested in what is so predictably going to happy in the elections or if you actually give two shits about the ailing health of Sharone. Who cares about him really ?. Israel has 0 influence on my daily life but takes up about 30% of my auditory senses every day. The media should ban Israeli/Palestinian coverage for a month and just give us all a rest. Better yet, send Harper, Layton and Martin over there to campaign and just put more hockey coverage in the news. Man its no wonder kids hate news, they are smart enough to know when they are being given regurgitated bullshit day in and day out.

An open letter

This is an open letter to all middle-aged women travelling on public transportation. Stop looking at me like I owe you my seat. I need not give you my seat, nor do I owe it to you, I am sitting in it an that makes it mine until I get off the Metro/Bus. You are middle-aged so what? I am just as tired as you at the end of the day plus I am bringing home shit pay from a shit job and I expect that you are making more than that, at least your costume leads me to believe asmuch. I will gladly offer my seat to seniors, those with grey hair, not the premature grey that some people get in their thirties but the real stuff. You ladies dont have grey hair and not that much separates us in age. Oh, it would be the gentlemanly thing to do to give a woman a seat. Well screw that honey, you lost that gentlemanly touch when you got your equality. Your my equal now remember. Equal pay, equal rights etc.. well that includes equal rights for me to sit in my god damn chair without you trying to make me feel guilty. Oh you say but what about being chivalrous or charming, well missy next time I can compliment a pretty woman in an office without fear of a sexual harrasment suit than Ill rethink my charming act for now its me no oggle, me no give up seat. You dont like that? Well tough titties, you asked for it.

Fill me up sweet Jesus

Im always hungry, Im always thirsty. Im never fulfilled. No matter what I put in my magic bullet and crush up I am left unsatified. Im always taking naps. This whole test of mine is horrible and has left me feeling utterly drained and horrible like a big gila monster sucking the marrow out of a shrews legs.

Harry Rabbit Angstrom is the man, he scores with everybody. Go Harry its your birthday. Man Im not even funny anymore that Im not hepped on coffee or hungover.

It just sucks that much more now

Holly crap just when you thought life couldnt suck more you challenge yourself not to drink coffee for two weeks or partake in beers etc.. and now its incredible how much everything sucks. Im always tired. I usually take 3 naps a year and I have already taken two this week. Its incredible how much not better I feel with a clean lifestyle. My head is no clearer and without hangover mornings there is no guilt to push me into being active the next day. I did absolutely nothing the last two days except read and watch movies. If it was a bad movie I did not even have the motivation to change it. Man next week is going to blow.

Behave or else

Its 6:30 and I havent been outside yet. Its time to go.
www.toothpastefordinner.com/

The non bedroom magic bullet

So the wickedest thing ever in the kitchen other than chocolat in sauce form is the Magic Bullet. It makes nearly anything, salsas to sandwich spreads, in seconds. Microwave friendly, stainless steel blades and various color coded drink covers for girl drink parties all are part of this unique package that also includes a juicer, which I have yet to try. What more can you ask for in a kitchen appliance other than sexual favor (which can be supplied by its sister the other magic bullet (http://sex-toys.lovedreamer.com/Rabbit-Vibes-Bullet-Vibe-silver-Ultra-Lube-oz-360700996.html).

I will be supplying and gathering recipes in the comment section of this blog to share with other bullet owners. I also encourage people to contribute their own recipes or guesses at what might be a tasty treat even if they dont own a bullet. Here is the first recipe but dont forget to check regularly for new updates....

Bananarama sandwichama
-big spoonful of Peanut butter
-big spoonful of cream cheese
-small spoonful of honey
-some raisins

Bulleterize all this and put on a nice bread

2006: Year of the Salad

2006 is the year of many things but it is mostly the year of the salad. There is a dance and I expect everyone to learn it.

I am composing my best/worst of 2005 so look forward to that.

I have not been complaining about much lately but dont worry Im still quite angry at a lot of things.

I hope you all cought me and my co-host Carson Daly couting down the new year. We worked well together I found.

Ice hockey is up and running. Ice hockey is the official sport of 2006. Nothing like some excersise and dripping blood in your lungs to start things off right this year. Speaking of starting things out right I challenged myself to clean up my act and clense the system for the first two weeks of this year. That means no booze, no coffee, no tea, no cigars, no stimulants of any sort for two weeks and and Im going to do some pushup in there too and be in bed before midnight. So far it sucks. Everybody is making out with their coffees and licking up the sweet nectar then watching great late night tv. 2006 is the year of the jealousy.

Oh, this is for real too. If anybody knows anybody in the tv industry that we can pitch an idea too please let me know. This is ACTUALLY a good idea. Not only was it still great the mourning after but it has been over two weeks and the idea is still golden. Conor and I are hoping to retire this year so please pass on any contact info of tv big wigs. 2006 is the year I retire.

Christmas Loot

I was a good boy this year and Santa treated me as such, here is me and Kate's loot
-dvd player
-waffle machine
-magic bullet
-binoculars
-personalized book embosser
-magnesium stick for starting fires
-Chuck Taylor high tops
-brown shirt
-Sake kit with bowls and cups
-video game
-duvet
-dominoes
-books (Consider the Lobster and The Broom of the System- David Foster Wallace, Cosmopolis-Dellilo, Blood Meridian-McCarthy, Stephen Leacock collected works, SAS survival handbook)
-winter boots

Also got small kitchen nicknacks and food and magazines etc... be good like me and next year youll get lots of loot too.

My buddy in Peru

My buddy from the Ghost Ryders in vacationing in Peru and he has an interesting vacation blog. Its worth checking out, he has a very wordly view on things:
www.ericinperu.blogspot.com

Jesus loves Kwanza

Jesus saves soul. Black people have soul music. Jesus loves Kwanza. Happy whatever the hell you want.

Dont drink and plow

Okay this holiday season rember its okay to drink and drive if you are driving a car. Those things are all made of plastic and they dont hurt anybody but for god sakes dont drink and drive with your snow plow. There have been two deaths in the last two days here in MTL due to snow plows. I mean some happy coffee but just dont go overboard and plow somebody in two....

Holiday sleep over tips

Im going to have a sleep over at Kate's parents house for 4 nights before we go to Moncton for Christmas so I have some holiday sleep over tips for all of you

1. dont eat at all, eating makes you poop and pooping at other people's houses is awkward
2. have lots of pillow fights with your girlfriends sisters, they like to see you bonding and being at ease with their family in their pyjamas
3. drink a lot so you become impotent, if you are not impotent there are way too many odd obstacles that may arise
4. try to sleep 14hrs a day, the more you sleep the less embarassing you will be
5. dont ever go to the bathroom, you might walk in on somebody, instead find a mall nearby and use their facilities
6. get your friends who are girls to call you alot while you are there so that her family will know that you are special and that people like you
7. dont change the channel when her mom is watching dumb programs, instead just make condescending remarks under your breath, nobody likes a control freak but everybody loves a comedian
8. flirt with her mom, give her dads lots of hugs
9. try not to hit your girlfriend in front of the family, having an obediant wife is important but until the marriage she is still their daughter
10. dont poop

More and more parties, just stop it please

As history dictates Jesus invented the party but a little known fact is that Jobe invented the Christmas staff party. Only a son of a bitch like him could invent such a cruel and disturbing event. The cheif of sales, whose office is directly adjecent to mine for the last 6 months asked me who I was when I entered the bar. He thought I was in the wrong place. The night started like that and only got more awesome until I won $45 worth of condoms from La Capoterie. It was the worst prize of the night, I was rooting for the all inclusive week in the Dominican Republic but I still told my boss I needed a week off to take advantage of my prize.

techno this mr future

Ahhh we are so freekin smart. Oh we can do anything, all hail humankind and our glorious brains. Screw us and our stupid technology. We think we can build anything or fix anything. Oh yeah we can land men on the moon and put probes onto mars. Yeah we can also incinerate 1 in 4 people who try to go to space and then we send up billion dollar telescopes and spend 2 billion sending somebody up there to fix it. All Im getting at is why cant somebody just build a friggin dvd player that wont break down after a year or why isnt there a personally computer that still works after 5 years. We suck at technology.

Cleaning up my act

Im not gay. I love boobies and my pants dont feel weird in the boys locker room but Im a little embarassed about a recent developement. We ran out of soap so for two days I just didnt use soap in the shower and on the third day I thought it time to react so I looked around all the orange and pink bottles littering the shower and eventually found asmall container of body soap. I remebered from tv that you are suposed to use a scrounchy pad thing to get the lather so I tried it. It felt weird at first, kind of like your first sip of beer, but the mango peach aroma that wafted up to my nose and the exfoliating pad soon had me in an entoxicating state of shower bliss. Soap in comparison is just like rubbing petroleum based sand paper over your body. This stuff is awesome. I dont know if I will stick with it or not once I buy soap but Im still overwhelmed by the new experience. I never knew it was possible to feel this clean and to smell this nice as well. Im not gay.

Very very very very sucky

There is one thing that is very god damned shitty about winter. Actually there are 850 things but this one I hate so much that it gives me serious cause to contemplate never living in a seasonal climate ever again. Situation: walking 10 minutes in -15 freezing cold all bundled up and misreable than going onto the metro still all bundled up and being jamed in to a 6x6 space with 25 people, 8 of whom are either touching me or within 4 inches. And the metro is heated so you feel like puking. Its the worst thing ever, its inhumane and they charge you to do this and come january they are going to charge me even more. I actually counted the people around me and the info is accurate. It makes me want to punch people in the face espeacially the people who kind of pretend that they arent cramped and they push and speak loudly and dont move out of the way when you need to get out I just want to turn around and yell as loudly in their face I can and then just go ballistic on them. This is what makes people go crazy. As you can see this is probably the worst way to start and finish a day of crumby work.

I miss my damned bike.

Reverend Jessie Jackson wants to kiss Tookie

I think Reverend Jessie Jackson has gone nuts, he is totally off his rocker. He was on the CBC this morning defending Stanley "Tookie" Williams and his right to live and his defence of this man was totally unballance and borderline insane. This is his type of defense:

Reverend how can you deny that he murdered four people, bragged about it and then drank milk right out of the container?

Well the black man in Africa was forgiven after aparteid and the guns are all fabricated by white companies by white workers who formerly bought slaves for two nickles and when Moses struck down the Haitian army he was forgiven by Israel because he did it with light in his eyes, the light of God and God supports Tookie and the sign that he is the sacrificial lamb of the gang wars is that he was drinking the milk of Christ. Its irrifuteable.

the pain that wont go away 2

Somebody told me today that my kidneys were pretty damned pissed at me and were hoping that I would get a gonorrea or some other VD so it would hurt every time I peed. Call it the piss organ revenge. Their obvious disgust of me is due to the wicked party trilogy that took place this weekend. I am sure that my brain is going to be pretty pissed too when it finds out what I did to it. Ill have to recap through the photos and reconstruct the events first.

Let the trifecta begin

Last evening the trifecta of weekend christmas parties began in good fashion with booze and food. Last nights occaision was one of the companies kate takes photos for and it was in stylish studio loft. Vodka shots and ample free beer was sufficient to make talking to such randoms as a Cirque du Soleil/strip show choreographer who also does Sexual Reiki Kungfu, no kidding, two frenchman from La france who talk like zis, crazy queebsters who dont speak any english, and a dude who just last week got taken to the hospital at the U2 show for being body stoned off muffins and is now opening a private school with his wife. Kate and I closed the party with the two owners of the company and walked home. I hope that each mourning the hangovers progress so that on Suday I will barely be able to speak without druling and soiling my pants.
Thanks Jesus for giving people more of a reason to drink.

You cant handle this Proof

I continued on my new found quest of math adventures yesterday by going to see Proof with Hopkins and Paltrow. Old school acting vs new school posing in front of the camera. It was a soso movie but the math in it was cool. Math is the most theoretical type of thing out there. Its just trying to solve and prove things but to do that you have to solve and prove 8 other things first by nowing all these techniques. I mean an brain surgeon could walk me through a procedure and I would understand it pretty quickly but a mathematician could not walk me through a problem, the 'basics' are just too complicated even for somebody with Uni Calculus. I want to read some mathematician biographies now. Those crazies are awesome.

In the process of seeing the film we also discovered a great old theatre hidden in a suburbs' mall that shows movies for a dollar and everything at the consession stand is equally priced. Other than it being hidden and far away its awesome. Even got to go up in the projection room and check it out. Three huge reels of film and old maps on the wall and smoke in the air. Classic.

Homocycle

I learnt two very important things last night: 1. shred hard even in the winter and it will be worth it. 2. If your gay dont tell your dad.

I bundled up super warm last night, big rubber boots, mitts, toque and hoodie and went on a shred sesh. It was awesome, hardly any bikers on the streets so I had most of the streets open to practice winter mooves. The cold alters the air pressure of the tires so there is a different grip and feel to get accustomed too. I shredded to the awesome automatic dvd rental place and shredded back. The dvd we got was C.R.A.Z.Y. a queebster film but a damned good one. Its a period film about a gay kid and his messed up family in the 70s. Pretty intense and funny and well made.

Also a new plan has been hatched.....

Metro man

I got busted yesterday hard by the Karma Police. I hate buying metro tickets, its like money flying away, its cheap compared to other cities but still almost $5 to get to work and back cramped in with smelly strangers is not my ideal way to spend money. The nice thing is if you keen you can occasionally get in for free. The attendants sometimes go pee and leave the gren free light on. Also under construction times there will be no auto gate but just a maned attendant who often leaves. This was the case yesterday, the attendant was in the ticket buying booth with the lady and after I bought my ticket I fake dropped one in the unmaned station and got a free ride to work. No harm done, except later when the Karma Kops took me down. One of the only nice people at work asked me for a ticket and so I had to give her one so there went my free ticket.

Karma is for clowns, I dont really believe in that mumbo jumbo because otherwise I would not have been able to trade another guy at work a quarter for 30 canadian tire cents.

What a sweet glorious day

Its great to be alive today especially since today is the last day before I retire. Im pretty pumped, I have it all worked out perfectly. Kate is going to take photos at some function today and our ol' PM Mr. Mulrooney will be there so I schemed it out where she will seduce him and get him in comprimising positions in a hotel room and then take photos and then blackmail the dirty son of a bitch and boom happy retirement drinking margaritas the rest of our lives. Im stocked.

Give er to the liver

Fair enough, I got pretty wasted two nights ago but last night I only had one beer. This morning I woke up and wasnt hungry, was too lazy to make coffee and secretly kept hoping somebody would make/bring me one. Alas, that was an empty dream. So upon wakening I have a wiz, much like any other morning, I take my Avian Flu Protection Pill and play Internet. Two hours later I go pee again. Thats weird I think. More reading and lounging ensues and than at 1:45 I have another pee. Now this is freaking me out. I have not put anything into my body except one vitamin C, I didnt drink last night and I have peed three times. What am I peeing. What wasnt made into pee last night that was made into pee this morning. So now I have started a hunger strike to see what my liver does with this. I will either keep peeing at an exponential rate until I dehydrate myself to death or I will pass out of dehydration and starvation. Either was this looks bad. I dont know how I am going to get out of this one.

Great gift ideas

While looking for deals on the Magic Bullet for christmas I came across this site. Not only did I find a great deal on the gift I wanted for myself but check out all the great gifts all along the rigtht side. Its like scrolling under a christmas tree, Im buying one of each and all my shopping will be done.

Dawn of the dead

I have a serious beef with Dawn dishawashing soap. Im flipping through houseware magazines looking for new linnens and all of a sudden I stumble upon a ad of their advertising this " It now has 50% mor deep cleaning power than before." What the hell kind of comment is that. Its not even an appology. I mean for twenty years I have been buying their shitty soap that was only kind of good, I mean half as good as it is now. Thats crazy. They should be having massive ad campains appologizing about their old shitty soap and offering clients money back. We were all duped for so long. I an an understanding person and I realize we all need room for change but that room should only be big enough for 10-20% improvements. Not double unless you acknoledge your previous flaws. Im switching to Sunlight. They may not be at the same cleaning power of the new Dawn but at least they are an honest company, well so far.