I shall return more powerful than ever

I must take a hiatus from complaining but I will be back and when I come back I will be more powerful than ever. More powerful than Jesus, more powerful than 20 sasquatches beating on the hood of a car, more powerful than one of Oprah's farts (well not that powerful because she feeds on dead babies how else could she attain such power. Oh and Im not going to be more powerful than Oprah because I am not going to eat babies, Im getting a real job and my power will come from good and money rather than the dark power I formerly possed by being angry and cynical. I will retain my cynicims and sarcasm though it will be frought with happyness and fairys and other things that come in tints of aqua blue/green).

Until then keep complaining and do some of my work for me. And keep hating all the injustice in the world including that of old angry people.

Hey Vampires: get over yourselves

Yeah, thats right vampires get over yourselves. You guys really arent that scary. I actually feel sorry for you guys. You are all so lonely and people keep mistaking you for goths. Its just a shitty life if you ask me. You guys cant even fly except like your bosses so really why woud I be afraid of you. Even D&D loosers can get surgery to get their inscissors sharpened so your not really even unique with your fangs anymore. Plus Im sure Bigfoot could tear you a new hole and I bet sharks would just rip you guys appart and with handguns now Im sure I could blow your head off. So really just get over it Vampires, you guys use to be THE shit an now your just shit.

Sidenote to Vampire chicks: Its still hot when you wear leather so dont stop that.

I want my quarterback

For the last sevral months I have been saving my quarters, putting them aside. I was hoping to save up forty of them and roll them and bring them into the bank for cash money. It was to be my rainy day money. I was able to save up a bunch of them when I went 10 days without coffee, so much so that I nearly had 20 dollars worth . But like Rome all great things must crumble over a bad weekend of debauchery and fire and sodomy (nothing burnt and there was no sodomy here though and actually not much debauchery just a film and laundry. Two days was all it took to leave me with only 3 quarters. 7 dollars worth for laundry, 5 dollars for two metro tickets and 2 for coffee. Its all gone.

Fire, Fire, Fire

The fire alarm went off in our office yesterday. Nobody reacted though, we are all too cool for fires. The big cheese had to come and tell us to leave, so we huffed and we puffed and we all took our ipods out, half of us tried to use the elevators. Who wants to walk two flights of stairs. When we got outside we were so pissed at the firetrucks showing up because they were getting in the way of our schedule. We all hated the loosers who wear tuques and gloves because they looked warmer (and way less cool) than us. The nerd firemen took like 15 minutes to check it out and then just left. Nobody told us if we could go back into the building but we went back anyways. Most of us forgot our smokes up there.
The most surprising thing was that our homeroom teacher didnt come do a head count. How could she have been sure we made it out alive. I almost wish a few of us would have burned to death so the guilt of her neglect would eat away at her FOREVER.

Self Reminder 2038

This is just to remind myelf in 32 years to bath at least once a week.There are some old people who smell kind of bad. Some old lady in a fur coat came in to the store and she smelled like old poop. It was probably the worst smelling person I ever smelled, even worse the men with BO playing sports. I just dont want to be like that so future Chris dont forget to wash now and then.

My favorite thing in life right now

These are my favorite things about life currently:

-eating cough drops while drinking ice cold water
-having 7 remote controls on the coffee table
-really bitter comic strips done by dissilusioned office workers
-graphic novels
-thinking about one day owning an Xbox360
-boobs
-how referees are the real gods of hockey, think about it. They control it all. They are the frosty almighty.
-saying "Im a politician blah, blah, blah" in various funny voices and then laughing
-watching Pigeonz hunt my leg
-TGIFs

88 layers of bullshit

It is a widely misknown fact that the center of the earth is not made of magma but rather of bullshit. Our planet is 97% bullshit: carbon, oxygen and hydrogen comprising the other 3%. This becomes very apparent when going to the bank and dealing with governmental bureaucracies. The bank first of all is total bullshit. You need them now to get paid by most companies and then they ask you to hold down your wife while they chop off her head and violate her dead corpse. How can the bank charge $28 for 50 cheques that they will make even more money off of later. Then when you ask them why they cant justify it they just say its because they have to be expidited and they when you ask them to just normally process yours they cant do that, they have to be expidited. Then they offer you the cheaper deal for $25 and then cant find that deal because they are incompetent but their CEO is making 6,733,903 (Gordon Nixon, 2004). Fuck you Royal Bank you ass raping bandits. Stop sending me pre-approved credit line applications in the mail and you could probably reduce my rediculous service fee every month. Who ever heard of paying people to use your money so they can become ridiculously rich.

Then you wade through even more bullshit, but a more rank and AIDS infested type when you go to register to vote. The power tripping loosers to be found there is insane. I almost suffocated do to all the hot air being shot out of all the post-McGill political science grads hanging around and telling old people how awesome and powerful they are. It was funny one kid got mad at another kid because he didnt go through the proper voting process with a 112 yeal old man because he was too weak to walk around the desk to sign something and instead did it sitting down and then the one kid said to the other kid " Sir could you please come here for a minute" and then slammed the door and talked all powerful to him and sent him out and the kid was all shaking his less powerful head when he left with the old man. I voted and left but when I got home I had to take a shower and burn my clothes because I smelt like bullshit. Needless to say it was an awesome day discovery the core of our earth.

News flash for CBC radio

Hey CBC news flash, there is more going on in the world other than the upcoming elections here and the events in Israel. Its like 24 hrs of repeated boringness on their broadcast unless you are some looser actually interested in what is so predictably going to happy in the elections or if you actually give two shits about the ailing health of Sharone. Who cares about him really ?. Israel has 0 influence on my daily life but takes up about 30% of my auditory senses every day. The media should ban Israeli/Palestinian coverage for a month and just give us all a rest. Better yet, send Harper, Layton and Martin over there to campaign and just put more hockey coverage in the news. Man its no wonder kids hate news, they are smart enough to know when they are being given regurgitated bullshit day in and day out.

An open letter

This is an open letter to all middle-aged women travelling on public transportation. Stop looking at me like I owe you my seat. I need not give you my seat, nor do I owe it to you, I am sitting in it an that makes it mine until I get off the Metro/Bus. You are middle-aged so what? I am just as tired as you at the end of the day plus I am bringing home shit pay from a shit job and I expect that you are making more than that, at least your costume leads me to believe asmuch. I will gladly offer my seat to seniors, those with grey hair, not the premature grey that some people get in their thirties but the real stuff. You ladies dont have grey hair and not that much separates us in age. Oh, it would be the gentlemanly thing to do to give a woman a seat. Well screw that honey, you lost that gentlemanly touch when you got your equality. Your my equal now remember. Equal pay, equal rights etc.. well that includes equal rights for me to sit in my god damn chair without you trying to make me feel guilty. Oh you say but what about being chivalrous or charming, well missy next time I can compliment a pretty woman in an office without fear of a sexual harrasment suit than Ill rethink my charming act for now its me no oggle, me no give up seat. You dont like that? Well tough titties, you asked for it.

Fill me up sweet Jesus

Im always hungry, Im always thirsty. Im never fulfilled. No matter what I put in my magic bullet and crush up I am left unsatified. Im always taking naps. This whole test of mine is horrible and has left me feeling utterly drained and horrible like a big gila monster sucking the marrow out of a shrews legs.

Harry Rabbit Angstrom is the man, he scores with everybody. Go Harry its your birthday. Man Im not even funny anymore that Im not hepped on coffee or hungover.

It just sucks that much more now

Holly crap just when you thought life couldnt suck more you challenge yourself not to drink coffee for two weeks or partake in beers etc.. and now its incredible how much everything sucks. Im always tired. I usually take 3 naps a year and I have already taken two this week. Its incredible how much not better I feel with a clean lifestyle. My head is no clearer and without hangover mornings there is no guilt to push me into being active the next day. I did absolutely nothing the last two days except read and watch movies. If it was a bad movie I did not even have the motivation to change it. Man next week is going to blow.

Behave or else

Its 6:30 and I havent been outside yet. Its time to go.
www.toothpastefordinner.com/

The non bedroom magic bullet

So the wickedest thing ever in the kitchen other than chocolat in sauce form is the Magic Bullet. It makes nearly anything, salsas to sandwich spreads, in seconds. Microwave friendly, stainless steel blades and various color coded drink covers for girl drink parties all are part of this unique package that also includes a juicer, which I have yet to try. What more can you ask for in a kitchen appliance other than sexual favor (which can be supplied by its sister the other magic bullet (http://sex-toys.lovedreamer.com/Rabbit-Vibes-Bullet-Vibe-silver-Ultra-Lube-oz-360700996.html).

I will be supplying and gathering recipes in the comment section of this blog to share with other bullet owners. I also encourage people to contribute their own recipes or guesses at what might be a tasty treat even if they dont own a bullet. Here is the first recipe but dont forget to check regularly for new updates....

Bananarama sandwichama
-big spoonful of Peanut butter
-big spoonful of cream cheese
-small spoonful of honey
-some raisins

Bulleterize all this and put on a nice bread

2006: Year of the Salad

2006 is the year of many things but it is mostly the year of the salad. There is a dance and I expect everyone to learn it.

I am composing my best/worst of 2005 so look forward to that.

I have not been complaining about much lately but dont worry Im still quite angry at a lot of things.

I hope you all cought me and my co-host Carson Daly couting down the new year. We worked well together I found.

Ice hockey is up and running. Ice hockey is the official sport of 2006. Nothing like some excersise and dripping blood in your lungs to start things off right this year. Speaking of starting things out right I challenged myself to clean up my act and clense the system for the first two weeks of this year. That means no booze, no coffee, no tea, no cigars, no stimulants of any sort for two weeks and and Im going to do some pushup in there too and be in bed before midnight. So far it sucks. Everybody is making out with their coffees and licking up the sweet nectar then watching great late night tv. 2006 is the year of the jealousy.

Oh, this is for real too. If anybody knows anybody in the tv industry that we can pitch an idea too please let me know. This is ACTUALLY a good idea. Not only was it still great the mourning after but it has been over two weeks and the idea is still golden. Conor and I are hoping to retire this year so please pass on any contact info of tv big wigs. 2006 is the year I retire.