A Reason to Shred

I just had a gnarly shred session upon request. Kate was at a shoot and had forgotten her memory cards so needing them pronto she called me and asked me to take a cab and bring them to her. I said, Ill bike there and get it to her quicker. I ripped up the streets, tore a path through the McGill graduation, streaked through traffic and made it to Concordia in 10.5 minutes. I was sweating and panting but man I carved up the city something wicked. Our bike gang just keeps getting better and our moves just keep getting more wicked. Get your pre-orders out soon for our video.

A new cure

There has been a breakthrough in medicinal cures. I found a cure to not going on an old lady murdering spree. Put on your headphones really loud and walk down the street and kick garbage cans. After only about 5 minutes of this you will only loath old ladies but you will no longer want to kill them.

The dangers of Steak

I read a health report this morning warning of the dangers of steak. Its not the usual mad cow report or anything, its not even actually the beef. It seems to be that its lighter fluid, an apparently very flamable substance. I guess that if you put too much of it on a charcoal bbq it can ignite in a ball of fire and singe all the hairs off of your hand and wrist. I am one that does not always believe what I read so I took it into my own hands (no pun intended) and testy this theorum. They were right. Too much lighter fluid on the bbq will burn off all the hairs on your hand and wrist leaving my hand looking like the looser from the English Patient. No burns though.

My t-shirt designs were published in a monthly magazine this month to my surprise. Its a free one but Kate shoots for them and had taken a few photos last month and picked it up for that and while leafing through that I saw my stuff. Thats pretty cool.

European Craftsmanship

Omssta Wangko

Kate thinks smart but she often neglects to bbq. I had three suppers last night. I made myself a brie and hongarian spicy salami sandwich, then I went to a friends for bbq sausages in pita bread and finally I made my way to another friends house where he had african peanut chicken which was awesome.

Watched two wicked movies also and the clerk told us we were in for a headtrip night. Started off with Goûte d'eau sur pierres brûlantes by Ozon (a weird psycho-sexual thriller with homo content) and then next was Von Trier's The Idiots about a Danish cult who imitate the handicaped in public. Awesome cinematic night.

Did anyone catch my testimony in the Jackson case?

Battle of lights and sounds

When I got out of Star Wars III yesterday I was still in my little movie aw. It was finally another Star Wars, dark and badly written but still Star Wars. The theatre was in a mall and when we came out I was taken aback by everything around me. Sensory overload. I dont go down town at all anymore, I stay in my neighborhood and just seeing all the comotion and the consumption and all that is a mall just was too much. Its funny how I got kind of overloaded by the mall and not by a movie that was created out of nothing. Our video game culture is so comforting.

KH to the NDG

So our bike gang got some good news this week. I attempted several times over the past few years to start a correspondence with Karla Homolka while she was in jail but I never received an answer, that is until last week when I wrote to ask her to join our bike gang. I figured if we got Karla H to join the Red Light Bandits then nobody would mess with us. She will be living quite a ways away from us but the long ride to meet up will just give us more time to practice our shred sessions. She is the only girl allowed in the gang but I think we can all overlook this minor detail in lieu of the cred she will give us.
The Red Light Bandits are really going to rip up the streets of Montreal this summer.

Who killed the first murdered Canadian PM?

I cant believe what I just saw on Etalk or some hollywood type show. Rick Mercer and Scott Thompson are dating. That is just too hilarious, both of Canada's prime homosexual comedians become 'buddies'.

Peter was once again in his prime on a recent episode of The Family Guy when he remarked in Congress on he was asked to get a war going in Irak he just said : Anybody who doesnt want to go to war is gay.

An old figure skater at my work was in charge of the summer's window display. She has spent literaly 14hrs a day for 3 straight days krafting a beautiful/cheesy/cirque du soliel meets grade three school play set. Its kind of creepy, I feel bad telling anywho who puts some much energy into anything that its ugly. I guess I still have part of my soul (Ha Jackson, you dont own all of it ((Jackson baught my soul in grade 11 for $5 ((( I still own the exact bill, even though I sold it I am afraid to cash it))) at Jill Flanagan's house)) I still kept a part of it).

Are there sleeping bags for babies

I actually saw an electrician with an infomercial ladder that I have seen recently on post 2am tv. The comercial advertised that "its ideal for contractors" and I balqued at such ludicrous idea, said gentleman made me eat my own words.

There should be a tv reality show about ultimate frisbee couples getting married. I just think that the best man throwing a hammer -the disc having the ring on it - to the groom would make for great tv.

The chinese couple downstairs who hate me because I go to bed at a time closer to them waking up than I do to the time of them going to bed, have begun something they may never have wished to have begun. They have destroyed my birdfeeder/house. With spendthrift efficiency I purchased the two sets independently not long ago and entertwined them to make a 5 star bird establishment. The wooden haven is lined with pink trim and black accents. For a good three weeks the chickadees have gourged and splurged on my kindness until one or perhaps two seeds fell upon the chinese couple's (nowforth known as choup) stairs. They asked Kate last week to take it down, the only time the choups have ever spoken to Kate voluntarily, the couple hangs their heads and avert their eyes upon our passage. I volunteered that it might be a good idea to do so and as such I mentally noted to do so next spare chance. In the mean time I stopped filling up the feeder, something which would otherwise have needed to be done at least twice a day (as I mentioned before this is a haute class bird establishment that spares no expense). With no seeds to fall I would have thunk all was fine. What was I to know that the choups vengence for my late hall walking ways was going to be a blood bath, a bloody bird bath. Two calm nights ago I arrived home only to find the splintered and mangled remains of what was Montreal's finest ornothological leisure suit palace. The coups had hit me where it would hurt worst, in my bird house/feeder. A broom handled had most liked reached up and borrowing from Mexican culture the choups must have pinata-ed the heavenly structure.
I will rebuild but I will not forget.

Red Light Bandits are warming up

My grey bicycle, my grey bicycle
Riding all around the street
Four o’clock and they’re all asleep
I’m not tired and it’s so late
Moving fast everything looks great.

My grey bicycle, my grey bicycle
See that man, he’s all alone
Looks so happy but he’s far from home
Ring my bell, smile at him
Better kick over his garbage bin

My grey bicycle, my grey bicycle
The rain comes down but I don’t care
The wind is blowing in my hair
Seagulls flying in the air
My grey bicycle

Policeman shouts but I don’t see him
They’re one thing I don’t believe in
Find some judge, but it’s not leavin’
Lift both hands, his head in disgrace
Shines no light upon my face
Through the darkness, we still speed
My grey bicycle and me
My grey bicycle, my grey bicycle.

My Nanny broke her femur

Went to a vernisage last night for the grad class of Kate's old photo school. The bar wasnt expecting a crowd after and it took fifteen minutes to get a beer so I went to the dep and got a sixer and set out on the deck drinking my own beer and watching muscle cars peel out. That is a great time. Got super wasted and Kate and I ripped up the streets on the bike ride home. We smashed a few of the glasses that we stole hitting some big jumps but she is a good doubler so we still kept a few in good shape. We shreded some train tracks something wicked. Its great to go out and get trashed with like minded people who all are in the creative fields and who are all struggling. Life sucks less when everybody else is also sucking on the same sour milk of life's aged teet.

My nanny broke her femur.

Borrowed from Harper's Index

Amount a Chinese online gamer made last year by selling a virtual sword he had borrowed froma friend : $850
Months later that the friend retaliated by stabbing him to death with a real knife : 6

Rank of Mein Kampf on the turkish best seller list : 2

Number of merrit badges in Safety awarded to Boy Scouts since 2001 : 15,417
Number of shotgun shootings : 65,249

Years after Bob Marley's death that the BBC, in April, requested an interview with him : 24

Amount for which George W. Bush successfully sued Enterprise Rent-A-Car in 1999 : $2,500

Number of times a day people make me want to barf out of disgust for the human race : 2

Killing dead trees

Went up north with Kate yesterday and made fires and hiked around in the woods. We found this really cool old swamp that beavers had created and it was like an eerie tree graveyard. It was awesome because you could just jump kick trees or super push them over. It was like being blessed with super powers. Kate took this picture of me and its hard to tell but I just jump kicked the big tree beside me and its falling and it kicked up its own slice that almost tore a hole in me. That is the peice in the back. Its hellanice to get out of the city.

I want to send out a specila good luck to my good buddy Carl who is moving to Toronto to try and make himself a new carreer. Good luck, I know you can do it and like you said. The streets are pumping with Carl juice.

More reasons Oprah should die

As if we needed any more reasons to hate Oprah. The globulous wonder has outdone herself once more with her self indulgence and narcisistic narcissim. How can someone so plasticky and maleably chunky love herself so much while floating her gelatenous face in botox, anyway, she had some huge gala with all the stars of Hollyshitwood. Very formal, black tie event, the dress code was strict- black or white. Oprah the center of her own attention was the exception to the rule was allowed to wear a red dress. If I were the salesman selling her her dress I would have told her it made her but look big, hell the Tsunami makes her but look big. I think there is a direct correlation between the intensity of her love of herself and the intensity of my hatred of her. If she would just go back to hating herself then I could give up my hatred of her.

My second shit lister of the day is Provigo who eliminated student discount Mondays. Each Monday they use to give a 10% discount to students so over the last year we saved quite a bit but now its over. I hate them too.

I have vegetarians now too, more of that later.

My street is crazy

I dont know how to describe what I just saw on my street. I live on a one way side street and tonight I heard something weird out there so I ventured out upon the balcony and down below were hundreds of people walking down the street, shoulder to shoulder holding candles and chanting. A cop car led the procession so I assume it was legit. There front part of the 'parade' involved people garbed in white robes who were more spaced out then the followers. There were two bullhorn callers chanting out what I took to be prayers. There were enough people to warrant two of these. The whole thing took up about 10 minutes and it was gone, no sign of its approach and no sign of its departure. It must have been some sort of ethnic religious holiday. I had no tomatoes or water balloons to throw unfortunately.

I want to have parades and chant things. If I could get enough friends together I would make a teddy bear parade and we would chant something like 'my underwear are dirty and your fridge is clean'. Maybe I should just make a cult.

A smile in the mind

I forgot how tiring moving somebody and then getting drunk can be. Its going to be a tiring day selling people heavy luggage and helping them with their heavy wallets.
I have a story up at the dominion now about disabled sports. Its alright but not really a story that piqued my interest even to begin with.
http://www.dominionpaper.ca/

Long live shampoo.

Coffee makes you impotent

Why the heck do coffee shops make me feel inadequate? I just feel lost and totally insecure in the face of a 15 year old barista. Its not that I dont drink coffee, I drink 2 if not 3 cups a day but its merely that I make it myself and I know what its called, its called coffee. Yesterday, it being generously hot out, I ventured out to indulge in an ice coffee. I thought it would be refreshing as well as simple. I was wrong on one part. The first generic coffee shop that I happened upon had two list of 'cold coffees', they were 5 bucks a hit so I figured I was in the wrong place. Onward to Second Cup, should be easy here. I lay my hand upon a menu type flyer that has a sole list brandishign five types of 'cold coffee' all falling under the nomeclature only distinguishable by either a proficient latin speaker or an italian botanist. So I order a white moka icepresso chiller chillate. It was more than tasty and adequately refreshing but I still felt empty inside and I chidded myself for not behaving correctly in their establishment.
I know I am not the first to feel shame and discomfort in these houses of cafffein but jesus if I am going to spend 4.50 on a coffee with ice cubs in it they had better start making it easer and encourage me to feel like the coffee drinking king that I am.

That was close...

I came home from work today and Kate was finishing up the laundry and as soon as I stepped in the door I could tell something was wrong. Then I saw what it was, a g-string on the kitchen table and they werent Kate's. She then accusingly tells me that she found them stuck to my pants at the laundry mat. I start laughing because I put two and two together and I asked her if she found a pair of men's briefs at the laudrymat on my clothes would she assume I was gay. It was pretty funny. Funny like when my boss called me today at 1:30 and asked me where I was. She changed the schedule on Thursday and I was supposed to be working at 1 today but she neglected to tell me of the change so my Sunday is ruined and I have to go in to help. At least I showed them up by selling 2 nice suitcases in 2 hours. Last week I officially became the stores leading seller. It feels so good. The self loathing is being pushed out by the satisfaction of being a good luggage salesman and that just oozes with self disgust that does not allow any room for loathing. I think I am going to take that pair of underwear that Kate found and put it in a small secret pocket of a bag so that some business trip guy will get a good laugh with his wife.
Somebody from work quit yesterday and today was her last day. I kind of liked her but when I heard about it I just automatically wiped her from my mind. Not out of anger or jealousy or anything like that but since I would never see her again or have anything to do with her I just imidiatly eliminated her from any type of mental involvement however small and just didnt talk to her again. Today I just said hello, that is all. Its amazing how quickly we can take someone out of our lives like that.

Its Mikes night to shine

We were eating cereal and talking about Tuna sandwiches tonight and Mike shawn as he told us about his weekly tuna invention. Here it is for you at home:

red bell pepper diced
green onion diced
sweet gerkin pickles (the small ones)
good tuna (not the chunk like whatever)
old cheddar cheese
romain lettuce or anything leafy
mayonaise
pepper
served on roll or on bread

Mike is also going to be on the Internet Radio tomorow. Its pretty high tech so turn that dial to, or should I say, type this into your online station:
http://cjlow.com
He is on at 10 Montreal time, 11 in the Maritimes and I dont know for Ontarions. You guys are so smart just figure it out yourseles.

I need a smack in the head

I just got nostalgic about stuff that happened last month. What kind of world do we live in that allows people to feel nostalgia the instant a moment passes. And on the matter of what the hell type of world do we live in since when did travelers who go to Nepal and Tibet start needing power adapters? It used to be, and not that long ago, that only the most travel savy road warrior ventured to those places. And now, now any rich dinosaur can go there and expects her hairdryer and curling iron to go there too. No doubt they will come back and complain that their hair dryer got fried due to electric surges. Those countries have a long way to go if they want to draw more tourists like them. Who cares if most of the country goes withought power or running water, these ladies need to look good when they go to take pictures of the temples and act condescending towards the local children. True enough story. It makes me sick to share the world with some people.

An old story told once more

I left my uncle hidding in the woods with the gun and slowly made my way out towards the dirt road. Still aprehensive of the game wardens I hesitantly maneuver up the gravel embarkment onto the road and watched as an oncoming blue pick-up slows and then comes to rest beside me. The door swings opens and a friendly "hello Chris" welcomed me aboard. Several seconds pass before I realized just who it was that sat behind the wheel. Even though the woods would not be graced with his presence this season, great-uncle John was garbed in hunting orange and he sat there smiling at me. "Where's your father, where's Tex"? he asked in a voice withered from a 3 pack a day life. All this while I was still trying to get my bearings, figuring out how to find my father, get back to camp and how does John recognized me so quickly, he sees me once a year at most, ignorant to the fact that I was even in town, let alone walking out of the country woods yet he spots me coming out through a picket of willows, knows who I am and stops to say hello and offer me a ride.
"Tex is in the woods about 100 yards in hidding with the gun, neither of us have a liscence. I dont know where my father is, we lost him." His brisk retort "well, let's go find him." We left Tex crouching in a stand of pines and travelled a few more dirt roads until we spotted my father wearily walking down the road. The story grows predictable from here. We pick up Tex, head back to camp and share tales and drinks of rye. John, having hunted countless years with my grandfather, garners the most attentative ears with his stories, unfortunately for his stories there are fewer of those than of his drinks and he, just like the rest of us, prefers to sip his drink and take it all in.

Lucky Italians

Not only is Italy graced with some of the sassiest ladies in the world but its also blessed with such a formulaic lifestyle that seems comforting to me. I was watching a EUFA game today with a buddy in Little Italy at a small Italian coffee shop and we were the only non-italians there. Business men had taken their son's out of school for the day to wath the EUFA cup semi final between AC Milan and SCV Einoven. Old men were sleeping in their chairs, others played a game of pool that involved cards, great capucinos were served and a great game ensued. AC won amazingly in the 2nd minute of extra time. They actually lost the game 3-1 but win 3-3 on aggregate because of the away goal. It was nuts because they were loosing most of the game and Einoven scored a minute after their extra time to make it really close. The place was quiet the hole game until the last three minutes. Anyways, what I mean as a formulaic lifestyle is that at least the italian comunity here has a certain amount of things to look forward to automatically. They will get married younger, have a big wedding and have a closer community and a tighter family bond then us. They can expect to be taken care of to a certain extent by their community and family. Its seems to me to be somewhat of an envious position. Its a given that they are italian and can be treated as such by their own.

A sincere appology

I have to appologize for my misdirected attack on the spiders the other night. I was wrong for blackening their name. It was not in fact spiders that attacked me but their evil predecessors the fleas. I think it was they who attacked me and not only once, but three times now. I have done an inspection of the bed and couch and cat but have found no charlies but I know they are there, lurking, waiting for me to take off my socks or shirt. I took drastic measures and slept in my sleeping bag last night. Its fortunate that Kate is away for the week so she does not have to witness the nightly bloodshed brought on by these sinister creatures who feed on my blood and pain.
Kate should have made juice before she left too because there is no juice left and waking up after a hard night of being eaten would be much more consoling with a tall glass of grape drink.

There is an awesome new reality show coming out. I hate all those shows but this one is actually a great idea. I dont know why people hadnt thought of it up until now. Its a no smoking show and the smoker who holds out the longest wins 250 K. I cant wait to see crabby people bitch each other out and just sit on the couch jonesing for a smoke.

My old bandmates have a video out. I am interested to hear what anybody thinks of it. I am refraining from comenting until a later date. Check it out here http://www.inflightsafety.ca/main.html

Another reason to carry arms

In a few, if not many many, ways the wild west had a lot going for it. For example a person had the right to carry arms and kill dumb people and jack-asses. We could do with a little of that. One person who could be shot for being stupid is the person who came up with the Girl Scouts anti-stress badge. Why do kids need an anti-strees badge? What are they getting stressed about? What not enough milk with their cookies?
So how does little Sandy get her badge? Well she has to keep a feelings diary and learn how to give foot massages - seriously.
The badges official name is the Stress Less Badge and its on their website.

Listen to this Jack Ass

I was doing some reading on TV on the Radio today and I found this site that has fan reviews of the album. Check out this Jack Ass Jacks's comments. Genesis sucks, Peter Gabriel sucks. Anyone who thinks Genesis was an art/rock dream must have wet nightmares because there is no way anything good came out of that mumbo jumbo of bad band gumbo.

The review is of TV on the Radio- Young Liars

Treat (edit: that is his real name)
It's not very often (I meant never) when I can actually say that a singers voice compares to Peter Gabriel, but this one does. And that is a very good thing. If you know anything about music you already know that Genesis was an art/rock dream that went bad. Well this band sounds like the Genesis before they went to Phil (or crap, means the same to me). Give this disc a try. It's too cheap not to. If you dig it try diving into some old Genesis. You'll be glad you did.
Submitted by huepooh in Southern Illinois