Christmas Loot

I was a good boy this year and Santa treated me as such, here is me and Kate's loot
-dvd player
-waffle machine
-magic bullet
-binoculars
-personalized book embosser
-magnesium stick for starting fires
-Chuck Taylor high tops
-brown shirt
-Sake kit with bowls and cups
-video game
-duvet
-dominoes
-books (Consider the Lobster and The Broom of the System- David Foster Wallace, Cosmopolis-Dellilo, Blood Meridian-McCarthy, Stephen Leacock collected works, SAS survival handbook)
-winter boots

Also got small kitchen nicknacks and food and magazines etc... be good like me and next year youll get lots of loot too.

My buddy in Peru

My buddy from the Ghost Ryders in vacationing in Peru and he has an interesting vacation blog. Its worth checking out, he has a very wordly view on things:
www.ericinperu.blogspot.com

Jesus loves Kwanza

Jesus saves soul. Black people have soul music. Jesus loves Kwanza. Happy whatever the hell you want.

Dont drink and plow

Okay this holiday season rember its okay to drink and drive if you are driving a car. Those things are all made of plastic and they dont hurt anybody but for god sakes dont drink and drive with your snow plow. There have been two deaths in the last two days here in MTL due to snow plows. I mean some happy coffee but just dont go overboard and plow somebody in two....

Holiday sleep over tips

Im going to have a sleep over at Kate's parents house for 4 nights before we go to Moncton for Christmas so I have some holiday sleep over tips for all of you

1. dont eat at all, eating makes you poop and pooping at other people's houses is awkward
2. have lots of pillow fights with your girlfriends sisters, they like to see you bonding and being at ease with their family in their pyjamas
3. drink a lot so you become impotent, if you are not impotent there are way too many odd obstacles that may arise
4. try to sleep 14hrs a day, the more you sleep the less embarassing you will be
5. dont ever go to the bathroom, you might walk in on somebody, instead find a mall nearby and use their facilities
6. get your friends who are girls to call you alot while you are there so that her family will know that you are special and that people like you
7. dont change the channel when her mom is watching dumb programs, instead just make condescending remarks under your breath, nobody likes a control freak but everybody loves a comedian
8. flirt with her mom, give her dads lots of hugs
9. try not to hit your girlfriend in front of the family, having an obediant wife is important but until the marriage she is still their daughter
10. dont poop

More and more parties, just stop it please

As history dictates Jesus invented the party but a little known fact is that Jobe invented the Christmas staff party. Only a son of a bitch like him could invent such a cruel and disturbing event. The cheif of sales, whose office is directly adjecent to mine for the last 6 months asked me who I was when I entered the bar. He thought I was in the wrong place. The night started like that and only got more awesome until I won $45 worth of condoms from La Capoterie. It was the worst prize of the night, I was rooting for the all inclusive week in the Dominican Republic but I still told my boss I needed a week off to take advantage of my prize.

techno this mr future

Ahhh we are so freekin smart. Oh we can do anything, all hail humankind and our glorious brains. Screw us and our stupid technology. We think we can build anything or fix anything. Oh yeah we can land men on the moon and put probes onto mars. Yeah we can also incinerate 1 in 4 people who try to go to space and then we send up billion dollar telescopes and spend 2 billion sending somebody up there to fix it. All Im getting at is why cant somebody just build a friggin dvd player that wont break down after a year or why isnt there a personally computer that still works after 5 years. We suck at technology.

Cleaning up my act

Im not gay. I love boobies and my pants dont feel weird in the boys locker room but Im a little embarassed about a recent developement. We ran out of soap so for two days I just didnt use soap in the shower and on the third day I thought it time to react so I looked around all the orange and pink bottles littering the shower and eventually found asmall container of body soap. I remebered from tv that you are suposed to use a scrounchy pad thing to get the lather so I tried it. It felt weird at first, kind of like your first sip of beer, but the mango peach aroma that wafted up to my nose and the exfoliating pad soon had me in an entoxicating state of shower bliss. Soap in comparison is just like rubbing petroleum based sand paper over your body. This stuff is awesome. I dont know if I will stick with it or not once I buy soap but Im still overwhelmed by the new experience. I never knew it was possible to feel this clean and to smell this nice as well. Im not gay.

Very very very very sucky

There is one thing that is very god damned shitty about winter. Actually there are 850 things but this one I hate so much that it gives me serious cause to contemplate never living in a seasonal climate ever again. Situation: walking 10 minutes in -15 freezing cold all bundled up and misreable than going onto the metro still all bundled up and being jamed in to a 6x6 space with 25 people, 8 of whom are either touching me or within 4 inches. And the metro is heated so you feel like puking. Its the worst thing ever, its inhumane and they charge you to do this and come january they are going to charge me even more. I actually counted the people around me and the info is accurate. It makes me want to punch people in the face espeacially the people who kind of pretend that they arent cramped and they push and speak loudly and dont move out of the way when you need to get out I just want to turn around and yell as loudly in their face I can and then just go ballistic on them. This is what makes people go crazy. As you can see this is probably the worst way to start and finish a day of crumby work.

I miss my damned bike.

Reverend Jessie Jackson wants to kiss Tookie

I think Reverend Jessie Jackson has gone nuts, he is totally off his rocker. He was on the CBC this morning defending Stanley "Tookie" Williams and his right to live and his defence of this man was totally unballance and borderline insane. This is his type of defense:

Reverend how can you deny that he murdered four people, bragged about it and then drank milk right out of the container?

Well the black man in Africa was forgiven after aparteid and the guns are all fabricated by white companies by white workers who formerly bought slaves for two nickles and when Moses struck down the Haitian army he was forgiven by Israel because he did it with light in his eyes, the light of God and God supports Tookie and the sign that he is the sacrificial lamb of the gang wars is that he was drinking the milk of Christ. Its irrifuteable.

the pain that wont go away 2

Somebody told me today that my kidneys were pretty damned pissed at me and were hoping that I would get a gonorrea or some other VD so it would hurt every time I peed. Call it the piss organ revenge. Their obvious disgust of me is due to the wicked party trilogy that took place this weekend. I am sure that my brain is going to be pretty pissed too when it finds out what I did to it. Ill have to recap through the photos and reconstruct the events first.

Let the trifecta begin

Last evening the trifecta of weekend christmas parties began in good fashion with booze and food. Last nights occaision was one of the companies kate takes photos for and it was in stylish studio loft. Vodka shots and ample free beer was sufficient to make talking to such randoms as a Cirque du Soleil/strip show choreographer who also does Sexual Reiki Kungfu, no kidding, two frenchman from La france who talk like zis, crazy queebsters who dont speak any english, and a dude who just last week got taken to the hospital at the U2 show for being body stoned off muffins and is now opening a private school with his wife. Kate and I closed the party with the two owners of the company and walked home. I hope that each mourning the hangovers progress so that on Suday I will barely be able to speak without druling and soiling my pants.
Thanks Jesus for giving people more of a reason to drink.

You cant handle this Proof

I continued on my new found quest of math adventures yesterday by going to see Proof with Hopkins and Paltrow. Old school acting vs new school posing in front of the camera. It was a soso movie but the math in it was cool. Math is the most theoretical type of thing out there. Its just trying to solve and prove things but to do that you have to solve and prove 8 other things first by nowing all these techniques. I mean an brain surgeon could walk me through a procedure and I would understand it pretty quickly but a mathematician could not walk me through a problem, the 'basics' are just too complicated even for somebody with Uni Calculus. I want to read some mathematician biographies now. Those crazies are awesome.

In the process of seeing the film we also discovered a great old theatre hidden in a suburbs' mall that shows movies for a dollar and everything at the consession stand is equally priced. Other than it being hidden and far away its awesome. Even got to go up in the projection room and check it out. Three huge reels of film and old maps on the wall and smoke in the air. Classic.

Homocycle

I learnt two very important things last night: 1. shred hard even in the winter and it will be worth it. 2. If your gay dont tell your dad.

I bundled up super warm last night, big rubber boots, mitts, toque and hoodie and went on a shred sesh. It was awesome, hardly any bikers on the streets so I had most of the streets open to practice winter mooves. The cold alters the air pressure of the tires so there is a different grip and feel to get accustomed too. I shredded to the awesome automatic dvd rental place and shredded back. The dvd we got was C.R.A.Z.Y. a queebster film but a damned good one. Its a period film about a gay kid and his messed up family in the 70s. Pretty intense and funny and well made.

Also a new plan has been hatched.....

Metro man

I got busted yesterday hard by the Karma Police. I hate buying metro tickets, its like money flying away, its cheap compared to other cities but still almost $5 to get to work and back cramped in with smelly strangers is not my ideal way to spend money. The nice thing is if you keen you can occasionally get in for free. The attendants sometimes go pee and leave the gren free light on. Also under construction times there will be no auto gate but just a maned attendant who often leaves. This was the case yesterday, the attendant was in the ticket buying booth with the lady and after I bought my ticket I fake dropped one in the unmaned station and got a free ride to work. No harm done, except later when the Karma Kops took me down. One of the only nice people at work asked me for a ticket and so I had to give her one so there went my free ticket.

Karma is for clowns, I dont really believe in that mumbo jumbo because otherwise I would not have been able to trade another guy at work a quarter for 30 canadian tire cents.

What a sweet glorious day

Its great to be alive today especially since today is the last day before I retire. Im pretty pumped, I have it all worked out perfectly. Kate is going to take photos at some function today and our ol' PM Mr. Mulrooney will be there so I schemed it out where she will seduce him and get him in comprimising positions in a hotel room and then take photos and then blackmail the dirty son of a bitch and boom happy retirement drinking margaritas the rest of our lives. Im stocked.

Give er to the liver

Fair enough, I got pretty wasted two nights ago but last night I only had one beer. This morning I woke up and wasnt hungry, was too lazy to make coffee and secretly kept hoping somebody would make/bring me one. Alas, that was an empty dream. So upon wakening I have a wiz, much like any other morning, I take my Avian Flu Protection Pill and play Internet. Two hours later I go pee again. Thats weird I think. More reading and lounging ensues and than at 1:45 I have another pee. Now this is freaking me out. I have not put anything into my body except one vitamin C, I didnt drink last night and I have peed three times. What am I peeing. What wasnt made into pee last night that was made into pee this morning. So now I have started a hunger strike to see what my liver does with this. I will either keep peeing at an exponential rate until I dehydrate myself to death or I will pass out of dehydration and starvation. Either was this looks bad. I dont know how I am going to get out of this one.

Great gift ideas

While looking for deals on the Magic Bullet for christmas I came across this site. Not only did I find a great deal on the gift I wanted for myself but check out all the great gifts all along the rigtht side. Its like scrolling under a christmas tree, Im buying one of each and all my shopping will be done.

Dawn of the dead

I have a serious beef with Dawn dishawashing soap. Im flipping through houseware magazines looking for new linnens and all of a sudden I stumble upon a ad of their advertising this " It now has 50% mor deep cleaning power than before." What the hell kind of comment is that. Its not even an appology. I mean for twenty years I have been buying their shitty soap that was only kind of good, I mean half as good as it is now. Thats crazy. They should be having massive ad campains appologizing about their old shitty soap and offering clients money back. We were all duped for so long. I an an understanding person and I realize we all need room for change but that room should only be big enough for 10-20% improvements. Not double unless you acknoledge your previous flaws. Im switching to Sunlight. They may not be at the same cleaning power of the new Dawn but at least they are an honest company, well so far.

Tuberific

While at the local portuguese depaneur yesterday I got the craving for sweet potato. With thoughts of sweet potatos dancing around my head it made me think of other potatoes so I got Yukon gold potatos and there was another type there called Batato which was apparently sweeter than the potato but much starchier so I got all them and some potato salad and prepared a starch fest. Why kind of startled me is that Kate was in for this. Health. It actually was a great meal. Whipped, mashed and with lots of brown sugar...

This tuber fest led me to do some research into tubers. Apparently in 1904 when tuberculosis came about the American scientist who discoverd it, named Hands Foxwell, named the disease after the tuber plants (potato, yam, sweet potato, cassava, manioc etc..) because it was thought that the disease was transmitted through them, and in the dirt I guess. This is what inevitably led to the Potato Famine in Ireland in 1907. The Irish had a week crop of everything that year except potatoes but people were so affraid to eat them because of fear of getting Tuberculosis that they rather starve to death instead.