As if we needed more proof but...

The other day I was in a gathering with some elderly ladies, (something that seems to be happening more than I want it to lately) and somebody brought up a great bargain. OOh said everybody that is a great bargain. Then the old lady next to me who seemed to be ostresized by everybody else said "if you think thats a deal, my friend just a rolex for $5" and to validate the fact she followed this up with "they can make anything for nothign in China now." I dont know how somebody can be so stupid. I didnt have the heart to tell her that they can make anything fake in China. Man, thats the last time I hang out with a group of senior ladies. I cant handle it anymore....

Just so its clear...

Just so its clear.... my handle bars are going to snap off of my bike soon and I am probably going to wipe out. Oddly enough I left my bike home the other night when we went to see the Supersuckers so it, and I, would be safe and when I got back I realized a fat person had sat on the handle bars and bent one of them quite badly. I do understand where the fat person was coming from though, they saw a bike and yet again became uncontrollably angry because they are not able to ride bikes and then they took their frustrated fury out on my bike. I can only hope that I wipe out soon before I start biking shirtless and in shorts. It would be preferable to wipe out now in jeans and a coat.

The devil spirit

I gots me the playoff fever. Of the 12 games over the weekend I got to watch, or should I say was blessed with vision and honored to be able to use it for 9 of them. HOCKEYYYYYYYY, I have major heart burn caused by all the stress. There are dishes everywhere, clothes strewn about the rooms of our house. I have eaten 21 different types of fried foods, none of which were chicken. I have lived as if alone, playoff boyfriends' girlfriends somehow become invisible as do most responsibilities. I visit NHL.com more than I visit the washroom (which I run to now for fear of missing a goal.) I yell, I swear, I hug men, I sit in disbelief, I dance in joy. I have playoff fever.
I also have petanque balls.

Petasse petanque

Meandering through China town the other day after work I was guided into a small everything shop by the smell of mushroom tea and sweaty transport containers. Once inside I found what I knew I wasnt looking for but always wanted; petanque balls. Much cheaper than in a real store I got my six piece for a measly $40 which included a metal lockable carying case. Fast forward 6 hours and several beers and Kate and I are undefeated at 3-0. A wonderful night out at the parc with friends until we hear " some guys got nothing but the rain..." running at us in a queebster accent. Ahhh the joys of quebec where drunks like to be your friend and love you and yell at you and just not leave. This dude was the stereotypical drunkman buddy. Talked to us about the french/english issue, told us how his father beat him, told us he loved us all, told us how hard it is to have a girlfriend in Detroit you only see once a year etc... we didnt let him play petanque though. If we were asses we could of sold him ciggys for five bucks a pop because " I don wanna be cheap wif my new friends."

Let the shred races begin

Ahh the glory of a championship shreder. I had my first road race of the season last night, and let me tell you, I detroyed that lady. We met halfway home just up the big hill by Sherbrooke. She was much more prepared than me. She was dressed in full spandex, fancy helmet, bike gloves and a 24 speed road bike. I was in jeans, hoodie and my trusty 5 speed. She had the advantage on the uphills but my street smarts and off roading short cuts gave me the edge and after trading the lead position througout the initial 10 minutes when we finally reached the parc she could not keep up to me as I parted the squirels on the off road and zig-zagged around the strollers and dogs along the parc path. All said and done I left her 300m behind at the Mount-Royal road finnish line. This season is shapping up to be fine one and hopefully more business men and women will taste the deadly wrath of my bike races as they dare challenge me with a silent stare. Shred hard or shred home business people on your fancy bikes with your fancy gear. I dont have a shower in my office so take that.

Canadian Psycho

I just read American Psycho by Bret Easton Ellis. Its good. Its disturbing. It lingers with you, it actually gets under your skin. I just watched American Psycho. Its alright, not as good. Doesnt stick with you though. Ive lost motivation to write anything further.

Shrivled Post '40 brains

I have on several occaision on this location ranted against the eldery. Sometimes justly, othertimes more justly. I have proven myself to be unfair in their evaluation thus far though. They are not merely rude and bitter but they are also insanely dumb. I somehow got myself into an orienteering course this weekend with 9 women over 60 and myself. I should have done some more research, these women would probably have taken a course in dismanteling land mines just to have something to do to fend of the lonesomeness. The course was good, lasted all day but could have lasted 2 hours if these fogies were at all blessed with a brain. They were so stupid, so incredibly, mind blowingly stupid. If you look at a compass it has 360 degrees on it and an arrow with two ends. When we were learning how to back track you just have to go 180 backwards, so you add or subtract 180 from your original bearing OR you look at the opposite end of your arrow. Im serious we spent 15 minutes going over this and still some of them didnt get it. They did not have the brain power to look at the white end of the arrow rather than the red. I am now constructing a chip that I will implant into my head that will self destruct when I become that dumb and thus save the world from more pointless questioning I might have.... Im still blown away by how stupid these people were I dont want to even start with the math ratio part we did with the maps.

Jesus saw his shadow yesterday so I guess that means 7 more weaks of Christianity.

Bike Vs Metro

I am going to keep a running tab this summer on how much my bike costs me. Although the joy I get from it is pricelss (or about $5000) I am betting right now that I will put in more than the bike is worth ($100) or even for that matter how much a new decent bike would cost me ($250). I will also be keeping a running tab of how much I have to spend on the Metro when my bike ultimately fails me leaving no other option that public transportation to get to work.
The running taly will be kept in the comments.

So thus far I have spent:

$10 on a new inner tube for the flat back tire (April 12th)
$12 on metro tickets to get to work this week
$6 new inner tube (april 29)
$25 New tire and new inner tube (June 13th)
$51 New rim, hub and inner tube (July 28th)

My humble appologies, I was wrong

It has been brought to my attention that my facts for the last entry were pretty skewed. I got my info from the Rick Mercer Report and I tried to fact check them on the Internet but couldnt find anything I trust, probably because they did not corellate with Mr. Mercer. Thanks to my political annalassis for the truth injection. Its funny, I still think his show is funny but ever since Mercer and Mark Tewksberry started dating I dont find his show as reliable. Nothing to do with the homosexuality simly the lack of factusexuality in his broadcast.

Once again my humble appologize to all concerned, nobody hates shaddy journalism worse then me and anyone who perpetuates falseness should be hung. (and shot with bb guns).

Sinister Ministers

The reason I love politics is that these people are the worst possible type of humans ever and we get to see what people would do if they could do anything they want. I would consider having Paul Bernardo as a live-in nanny for my children rather than these jerks. Its questionable who has the worst morals.

Here is my favorite jack-ass move lately with Harper's Cabinet which includes:

Minister of the Atlantic Canada Opportunities Agency- this is held by an Albertan. I guess nobody back home is smart enough

Minister of Canadian Heritage and Status of Women- this is held by a man, I guess no woman is smart enough

Minister for la Francophonie and Official Languages- held by a Calgarian, its too hard to understand someobody from Quebec or somebody who even speaks french for that matter

Minister of Citizenship and Immigration- held by some small town Saskatchemewanian, I guess somebody who lived and dealt with minorities would be jaded if they took the position.

Screw you Harper, go shake your kids' hands. Thanks RMR for the heads up on this vital info.

New Rule

Okay new rule out there. If you are an accused child abuser and you get a new foster child in your care and said child at the age of five weighs 21 pounds and then he dies then you have your two strikes against you. Now its my turn to get my three strikes against you with a bat. Thats right from now on child offenders of any type are going to be on the recieving end of my baseball bat. Sounds fair to me.

We grow smaller and smaller

Well we have to end apartheid for one. And slow down the nuclear arms race, stop terrorism and world hunger. Ensure a stong national defense, prevent the spread of communism in Central America, work for a Middle East peace settlement, prevent U.S.. military involvement orerseas. We have to sensure that America is a respeced world power... find a a cure for the AIDS epidemic, clean up environmental damage from toxic waste and pollution, improve the quality of primary and secondary education, strengthen laws to crack down on crime and illegal drugs. We also have to ensure that college education is affordable for the middle class and protect Social Security for senior citizens plus conserve natural resources and wilderness areas and reduce the influence of political action committees.

This is an excerpt from American Psycho written in 1991 but set in the me me me consumeristic '80s. How far have we come from then?

Yeah, no more aprtheid and South Africa is all fine now....

The alphabet

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

The all new five word review

I have just invented the five word review. From time to time I will grace this space with reviews of music, cinema, litterature as well as the other arts when the need surfaces.

As an introduction to these reviews, make sure your chair is well purchased in its location and enjoy the critique of :
Inside Man

Despite clothed Foster, light entertainment

Hide and go shit

There is a new office game that is sweeping the nation. If your office isnt playing it yet, what's stopping you? Get playing Hide and Go Shit. Its where the business men in your office have a shit and dont flush and everybody has to guess who did it. A variation of the game is to have a disgusting after business-meal poo and clog the toilet and everybody has to guess who clogged and while at the same time avoiding suspicion while they walk out of the other bathroom through the pool of water in the hallway. Oh its such fun. Try and play at least 2 or 3 times a week.

Lardertainment

One of the things I missed most while I was in Iraq was my Magic Bullet. Sure I could have cooked up those Iraquis a feast that would have freed me weeks earlier but what I really missed was the infomercial. No doubt one of the first things I did when I got back was to go through the infomercial to tackle some new recipes, ones that I'd been eyeing for awhile. Like the chocolate mouse..... one container of 35% whipping cream and ample chocolate sauce for 6 seconds. Whipped delight, a river of chocolatey goodness floating down my throat. This is one the Magic Bullet is all about. Until Kate tries it, says its good but taste like lard, and she's right and so now it sits half eaten in the fridge.

Itsy bitsy teeny weeny Canadian Tire hot bikini

Over the last few weeks when I had a canvas sack shoved over my head I had a lot of time to think. This gave me a lot the occasion to come up with several wonderful, and might I add profitable, ideas. Id like to share some of these ideas with you as long as you assure me you wont steal them. If you will please leave now. Have you left? Good. This is the most relevant one seeing as how bikini time will soon be upon us. The bikini is made up of basically three triangles and a bum. What else is made of triangles you ask? Well the Canadia Tire logo. Get a white bikini, put the logo on both boob parts and on the bottom part and throw Sandy McTire's face on the ass and you have a hit bikini that will take off faster than the Budwiser bikini and the bikini t-shirt combined. Girls love Canadia Tire almost as much as they love Tim Hortons... wait a minute. Another brilliant idea just came to me... Im going to go eat a large box of timbit all by myself.

Thanks alot everybody....

OH thanks media, thanks for all the attention. I spend 41 days as a hostage kidnapped in Iraq and 41 days later Im released and no coverage, nothing. James Loney and Jill the pill get all the hoopla la. So what if I wasnt over there for peace reasons or on a christian mission to bring freedom and Jesus to the damne?. So what if I was there for selfish reasons, trying to make a profit, looking to score a pistol for my father and a baby for my sister? It still doesnt mean I dont deserve some coverage. Geez, I was in some stinky cave watching Al jazeera for almost two months, getting addicted to mint tea and barley soup, getting black teeth and enjoying to "Joey" re-runs dubbed into Arabaic. I came out hoping for at least a parade if not some small street in my home town named after me but no nothing. I thought at least, if nothing else, I would come back to my blog filled with die hard Tuckshow fans begging to find out where I went. The one thing that kept me going when I was smoking copious amounts of hash with al my Mohameds was that the Tuckshow family would be demanding answers from our goverment and organizing their own covert rescue mission if necessary. But no. So screw you CNN, CBC, ABC, NBC, CBS, PCP, ASN, MSN, BBC, CTV, BET, VLT, FOX and especially you HIV.