I saw Zep last night...

I think I saw Led Zeppelin last night. Went to go see the Australian trio known as Wolfmother and they rocked this town silly. Great show, it was classic 70s power rock and these guys knew how to dish it out. The theatre was sickenly hot, you got soaked just standing there and were forced to drink beer to keep hydrated. Wolf Bastard is the name of my wolf band. Everybody needs a wolf band name. If anybody needs an extra one there is Wolf Toast that is still open but Wolf Parade, Wolf Mother, Aids Wolf, Wolf Eyes, Lone Wolf, Lost Wolf.

Sport Talk and BPC

Sports are everywhere right now. You have the Stanley Cup playoffs, NBA playoffs, the world cup starts next week and the regulars like baseball and football are gettin underway. It seems every station you turn to is talking about one of them but my question is why nobody is talking about the newest sport fad the bicycle pub crawl. This is an awesome sport that merits much more media intention. Its a sport not for the mild at heart or milk of kidneys. Not only must the athletes navigate kilometers of land they must also consume litters of beer. The conditions are never pristines; smoke filled bars, flat tires, one way streets. Its a veritable mine field of dangers waiting at every corner for the bicycle pub crawl athlete. Sports fans get into this now. For all those keeping track Conor and I tied this weekend on our BPC match. Very hard faught afair.

Abuse of power

Ben Paker once told Pete that with great power comes great responsibility. Did super man ever use his x-ray vision to peep on girls in the locker room? Did Batman ever cop a feel on a passed out lilly he just saved? Would I ever use my great powers as an art director to secure sexual favors from young nubile photographers? That was the question the other night at the annual student vernisage we went to. Although there is really nothing I can do to help any of those graduating fools its one of the only times where people will fawn over what I do. Luckily nobody knew who I was or I would of had some tough decisions on my hand...

Kudos on them this year for giving out full beers there too. If Im going to go to a show and have hours worth of awkward conversations I want to at least be able to get drunk and I am getting tired of asking for twelve shot glasses worth of wine that barely wet the tongue and the wait staff are always tired of supplying me with twelve shot glasses of wine. This way they only have to see me 5 or 6 times and Im happy.

Sidenote, the boob factor of this years work was down considerably. Only one and it was a daring self-portrait.

Does your dog like music

More Oprah Hate

Oprah had on a beutician (or in her case a cowtician) the other day who spoke about makeup and during one segment she went in and waxed Oprah's eyebrows. Now I dont envy anyone who has to be that near the face of death but I dont envy seeing that on television either. As the camera zoomed in on Oprah, ever closer to her unporous face you began to notice not a wrinkled blemished her face. Under her eyes were skating rinks of smooth flesh, the corners of her mouth were held taunt as pelts left drying. Her forehead was flatter than... something really flat. Its sick, absolutely repulsive how falsified her face is. Someone who has this much work done should not be allowed to hold audiences. They should not be permitted to speak in public ever. Think of the implications. This woman is giving out advice. This woman whose face is 50% not her own daily doles out sermons to her flock. It makes me want to puke, honestly. It enrages me.

What made me nearly lash out at my tv set though was her critical comment on the media who "always report the next day that I had a face lift every time I get my eyebrows waxed." Can you blame them? There are more plastics on your face than in the FisherPrice factory. You sicken me Oprah, I hope the chemicals in your face seep into your brain and destroy you.

As with all action heroes action tends to surrond me. Take last night for an example, quite the action packed affair. First off our neighbor rushed herself to the hospital after an allergic reaction. I was there to oversee her safe getaway. Secondly, the Oilers won game two of their series and once again, I was there making sure no evil doer was on hand. Thirdly a gunshot, no, a car accident just outside our window outside the cheeze bar. I hovered above, sure to disuade a driver catfight should it errupt. Fourthly, and earthquake or an explosion that shook our whole building twice this morning. Some evil doer surely seeking revenge for my thwarting of their evil plans. Its tough being an action hero but the benefits of witnessing all that makes it more than worth it.

Page 8 of the Journal de Montreal yesterday has a full page on a rollercoaster marriage proposal at La Ronde featuring one of our friends.... Im still not sure what to think.

Ready for Jesusland

Well I have gotten all my preparations ready for Jesusland. After the 11th day of rain I gave Noah a ring and all is set. I then went out and did a whole bunch of good deeds, like letting someone have my bbqbeer box off my bike. Hey nobody needs an underwater bike anyways. This is the second milk crate stolen off my bike. Who steals those, who takes the bungee cords as well. Why dont they just steal them from behind some store or at the grocery store like everybody else. Isnt stealing a milk crate from somebody like trying to enseminate a pregnant lady. I know one thing for sure though, whoever took it isnt going to heaven.

Know what you find out after watching a rainy weekend full of tv drinking rum and cokes by yourself. Well you find out that cuban rum is tasty and a fair majority of the people on tv ought to be shot.

Just found out a crack whore lives across the street. And to think I wasting my time going all the way down town when I needed to score. My bad.

Freedom fighter of the day

I bet at least half of our nation this week has seen a photo of Captain Nichola Goddard, the canadian soldier killer in Afghanistan. Her photo was on the web, on full page spreads, dailys and weeklies. Sure it warrants being there, it must make her family proud but instead of only giving our freedom fighters post mortem coverage why dont we make their families, friends and they themselves even more proud by having a page 4 Freedom Fighter of the Day. Borrow from the Sun Girl and post living soldiers photos. It makes more sense to me to honor the living than to glorify the dead. I would cut out a photo of my son in his fatigues and put it on my fridge but I doubt I would be apt to do the same for my dead son. Too hard. I would also put my daughter in her page three bikini on the fridge only if she were still alive. Page 5 could be lady soldiers in camo bikinis. I guess page six could be hot nurses too and on page 7 would could have firefighter chicks. Lets honor our freedom makers.

Would you do this

The unborn baby that is growing in my stomach but that will never come out has been causing lots of heart burn. Nothing else can explain it. So with my connections I got me some Pantoloc that inhibits the proton pumps. Supposedly it works well but as with all medications there are risks. Sure headaches, diarhea and fatigue can always be expected but your skin coming off your muscless.... sure its a long shot but so is winning at bingo and people still play. Would you trade heartburn for the risk of this

More common:
headache

Less common or rare: Sure most of these are acceptable
aching, fullness, or tension in sinuses
anxiety
back pain
belching
blurred vision
chills
confusion
constipation
cough
difficulty moving
dizziness
drooling
feeling of constant movement of self or surroundings
flatulence
hoarseness
indigestion
loss of energy or strength
migraine headache
muscle rigidness or stiffness
neck pain
rectal problems (they dont specify what type)
ringing or buzzing in the ears
runny or stuffy nose
sensation of spinning
sneezing
sore throat
trouble sleeping

Less common or rare: These ones are nuts:

blistering, loosening, peeling, or redness of skin
"bull's eye"-like rash on skin
difficulty in speaking
difficulty urinating
large, hive-like swellings on eyelids, face, lips, mouth, or tongue
loosening or stripping off of top layer of skin
painful urination
yellow eyes or skin

I dont think so Tim

Like father like son

While Kate was in the maritimes visiting my folks my father was doing some spring cleaning and decided to take the trailor to the dump full of garbage. The trailor had a flat though, no big deal just fill it up and it will most likely last the trip. Kate laughed at him and told him that I would do the same thing with my bike. Dont fix it just pump it up and expect it to last. So yesterday after pumping up my third flat of the season I biked to work. It held fine, no problems, just smooth shreddin'. After work, I step out into the rain and discover the flat is flatter than a teen joke about a flat chested girl. Im pissed, Im wet, Im tired and Im ridding this bike home of the rim. It rode better than expected but made a lot of noise, I woke up all the bums I passed on St-Laurent. Im contemplating getting some expanding foam and shooting the tire full so I never have to change a flat again, plus I can squirt it into the ears of my friends when they pass out at parties.

Sidenote of the week. Sunset Rubdown, Spencer Krug of Wolf Parade debut solo project is well worth then $0.43 it will cost to download it. Resonates with the wolf but more lo fi. Second album worth checking out is The Raconteurs with Jack White and Brendon Benson reciprocatingly writting wicked blues rock anthems. Benson, for all those ignorant of the real 90s genius wrote One Mississippi, one of the best album of that decade.

If anyone sees Oprah this week, tell her shes fat.

New Supergroup

In the musical world there have been numerous supergroups such as the Travelling Wilburys, New Pornographers, Asia and Velvet Revolver, to name only a few. But why are there not other types of entertainment supergroups. I propose the loser super group that combines super losers who when united simply entertain our asses off. I think that Micheal Jackson, David Blane and Donald Rumsfeld would make a great team of ass monkeys. I would watch a sitcome with them, heck Id consider Tivo if they had a show. Think about Life.

What a difference 10 years make

Last night while doing my weekly Sunday TV analysis I briefly stopped into Wysteria lane to see what the slummy mummies were up to. The crazy red head from Melrose place was throwing a party for her kids 17th birthday. She seems hardcore annal and so she had the whole thing all planned out and her kid freaked, thinking it was mondo lame and left home. The thing is that sure, ten years ago that probably would be shitty but if I were to throw that party now it would be awesome. Just think if you showed up to a kegger and there were heaps of balloons forming a 10 foot #27 and there was a "hip" juggler who only performed to the Beatles. This is pretty wicked but couple this with the fahita bar the mother got and man, you got a wicked party. I only dream of parties like that now. Are you reading this mom, next party you throw for me break it down Wysteria Way....

Hyenas make good pets

They take care of the children, mow the lawn and endyou watching family movies.

Carrots, belts and many moons

This sucks, this is totally unfair, unjust and on the brink of criminality. I can no longer eat whatever I want and keep my George Clooney body. Call it ageing, call it karma, call it revenge for all the hilarious fat people jokes I've spit out but I need to actually veer off my current flight pattern or get a pre 30 belly and buy new pants. I was going to lend a trick-money-belt to a friend but trying it on and realized it aint be fittin no mo.
The last month has been bad, I nearly eliminated vegetables and meals, doubled my pizza intake to quadweekly, hamburgers weekly and carbs flowing out my ass can no longer be sustained by my metabolism. All this might be fine but coupled with my ideaology that I can skip supper and just go to bed when I get hungry always fails and leaves me eating a cheese wiz and (fill in the blanks) at midnight laughing at Ron Reush and his santa gut. Kate suggested Light Beer but I reminded her I wasnt trying to become less not-gay rather less not-skinny. I think I am going to have to go drastic here and cut out the cookies, cheese wiz and use my year and a half of uni-biology and bio-engineer myself some cookie flavored celery and choco-carrots. I might order something from Tony Little as well. Speed seems to make everyone more George Clooneyesque.

Cens-this

I am going to do my own census

How many shitty Canadian census are there?--1
How many stupid census are there?--1
How messed up is the online census?(0-5, 5 being vey)--5
How accurate is the census?(0-5, 5 being vey)--0
Should we just get fourth graders to fake it? (Yes or No)- Yes
How accurate would that be? (0-5, 5 being vey)--4
How many times did I wipe my ass with the french census this week?--2 (double sided fold out)

I consider myself to pretty computer literate and my computer, while not supersonic, pretty up to date but when the time came last night to do my online census those fuckers kept telling me my system wasnt up to snuff. How is butt fuck joe in back woods Quebec supposed to even attempt an online survey if I cant. Go screw yourself Canadian census. Two people live here, we both make shitty money, were older than we want to be, we have no kids, no car, one cat and hate your damn census.

Master Director of the Universe

Tickets to see Hawksley Workman: $22.50
Tickets to see Raising the Fawn iand In Flight Safety: $12.50
Tickets to see The Strokes: $35
Beeing a Fancy pants art director and going to see these shows for free this weekend: Priceless

These ads are so damned played out that the creative director behind themshould hang himself on his million dollar ya cht out of shame they rich dumb bastard.

Wednesday= Rump Day

You know the best thing about my industry? Its being able to go into work at 11 oclock on Wednesday hungover, tired, and grumpy and still getting there before the boss and half the other staff who come in more hungover than you, more tired than you and quite a bit grumpier. The worst thing about my industry is the lack of good free coffee. Dont they know what motivates people like us? A free cup of gourmet coffee that would cost the company about $0.35 would improve production by at least 15%.

You know the worst thing about girls? Its that when they are drunk they cant talk anymore, they can only yell. Why is that? I guess its because they arent as good as sports as us.

There is a Jesus and his name is Edmonton

There is no finer rush than starting your day by passing taxis with downhill s-curves going about 50. Traffic shredding is two heaps of sugar better than coffee for a mourning high. That said, it only takes about 30 seconds to realize that biking home in the pouring rain is not worth the $2 on a metro ticket. While on the subject what kind of building code does not permit you to bring bikes up to your own office. The 'but if I let you then I have to let everyone' line doesnt work because whoever has an office should be able to put whatever he or his employers allow them to. Screw the concierge.

Youpie, how dare you

Oh yeah, supply and demand. I was fortunate enough to pay double for a playoff ticket to see the Habs on Friday. Lucky me, I got to help cheer them on to a loss that essentially meant their playoff death. Something I am used too since they are 1-3 when I go to the games. The game was great though and the atmosphere electric. 22 thousand people booing is a pretty cool sound.
What bugged me though was that Youpie didnt take his hat off during the national anthem. What kind of disrespectful mascot is he? Also some old man and his wife were getting mad at us for standing up and cheering at opportune times. They told us and the people in front of us to sit down a few times until one of the dudes threateningly told the old man to Fuck Off. Who goes to a game and gets angry at the fans for getting into the game and standing up on a breakaway? Oh and if you want to get on the Jumbo tron be a girl and have boobs and wear a tight canadians t-shirt showing off your boobs and bring a sign that says POM bread and you are up there the whole game.