One Sexy Tatt

We were talking about scoring with squids last night and a story came up about a guy who got busy with a girl who had a tattoo of Felix "the Cat" Potvin on her back. It was large, full back, full color of his leaf days (the almost glory days) and he was making a great left handed glove save. I wish I could have seen it, maybe even touched it but instead though I am trying to get Kate to get a wicked sexy tatt of Todd Berttuzi cross checking. When she would stick out her shoulder blade it would look like he was crossing checking it. Man, that would turn me on more than hockey itself.

Wont Co

Shit fucking shit shit fuck. Why cant everyone just be nice and get along. Damn, this is supposed to be the summer of 2005, the summer of new fun. Not the summer of old shit. Anyways, be nice everyone.

Went to an amazing concert last night with Mike. Saw Wilco blown my mind with the alt-contry pop infused with 60's melodies and psycholdelic-jam-rock. It was 32 out and about 35 in there and the crowd was loving what they saw. They put on a great set and are more than entertaining to watch. After a normal lenght set they came out for a 5 song encore but the crowd wanted more. It was the most enthusiastic crowd I have ever heard demand more rock. It was intense, the band recognized what was happening and they came out for another 3 song set. They are so tight and put on such an intense show. The light show was crazzzy too. The band was dripping with sweat afterwards, as was most of the audience. I was knackered, sopping wet and totally enthralled by what I just witnessed. One of the top shows of my life for sure.

Rock on Little monkeys. Hey PP are you coming to the jazz fest? I heard rumors from people in the know that there are going to be some good free shows this year. It might not suck for the first time ever.

intense shopping spree bonanaza

Once every few years I go on an intense shopping spree bonanza for some reason. I am one of the most apathetic shoppers out there. I abhore shopping and want to get out of there as fast as possible, it must be funny for the service staff around me. My first stop was Winners for some new swim trunks. My old red ones are now old pink ones and the new pool action warrants better. 10 minutes there and I have two new trunks. I brought in 6 pairs of trunks to try on and the lady before me had one dress. I was out before her. Next stop Future Slop. 10 minutes there I have a digital camera and rechargable batteries so I can shave more than 3 times without my razor dying (I think my Charlie from Party of Five look is maybe getting a little dated). Next stop a computer store to pick up some more RAM for the new 'pute, they didnt have what I needed but boy that was exhausting. I needed to hit the pool so Kate and I recruited Daddy Long Legs and we shredded down and jumped in, well not jumped in because the diving boards were closed, seems there was too much san tan lotion worn by the days swimmers that left a murky cream near the bottom of the deap end thus enabling the lifeguards to see the bottom. Oh well it was still super refreshing. Kate won all the competitions again. I thought I could beat her in the underwater summersaults but she still pulled it out.When I got home later I found a package from my folks with a digital camera in it as a congrats on the job thing. 2 digital cameras in one day. Imagine how narcisistic I can be now.

More Free Shit

The summer has officially becaume awesome, well sort of. We heard of this pool about a 5 minute bike ride away. Its a city pool, outdoors and its free except on the weekends when you have to fork over three bones. The pool is big, not too many kids and there is a pretty good kicker off of the diving board. Its not too chlorinated nor too dirty and it not too bossily lifeguarded. I am stoked to kick out some huge flying squirels and to check out all the fine bannana hammocks worn by all the queebster men. Also this is a shout out to all men with pregnant lady fetishes; there were 4 of them at the pool today.

The store was funny the day after St. Jean Baptist day, only anglos were in there. The french were too hungover.

Checked out a few yardsales today and scored once again. Got an old Imac for 20 bucks. The woman said the screen was shot so I took it anyway to salvage the ram and the cd-burner. Turns out after a few hours of goofing around that its just her Ram that was messing it all up. I switched it out and boom. I got me a brand new 2001 Imac for downloads and music playing. Its a sweet find. I just need to get a kee-bored for it and its up and going. Oh, and a new fan. Running three 'putes in a 6x6 room makes for a sweaty Chris (even without the Internet midget-pyro-porn).

St. Jean-Baptiste day

Well its the merriest day in Quebec today. Its happy St. Jean-Baptiste day. As we all know St. Jean-Baptiste is the patron saint of dick heads. Today is a Quebec national holiday, its kind of like our Halloween but instead of dressing up and asking for candy the queebsters get drunk and chant anti-anglo racist comments. Its a very festive mood. The queebster skids from the outskirts of town drive in with their old Civics and pick-ups perked up with the fleur-de-lis flags and painted face and drive around honking their horns and shouting go home anglos. Tonight all the shitty french bands will play somewhere big and say patriotic pro-franco things while the drunken queebsters will boast how much better 'their' music is compared to 'our' top 40 hits. Yes, all us anglos love our top 40 english hits and yes we do suck. Its a day to make me ashamed of my english upbringing. I wish my mom would have raised me to get so drunk I would sit all by myself at bars slurring to us 'Ontarian' anglos from NB about how great the french are, meanwhile all the french are embarassed for this piss stinking individual who is just showing us what the true queebster feels on the inside while showing us the leather and bandanas that all the queebsters wear on the outside. God bless St. Jean-Baptiste.

Double Impact

As we sat around Mike and Conors front yard yesterday in the early eve sipping beers we saw a confrontation accross the street. Some youngish guy in a leather coat got in the face of an old greek man. He kept asking him if he remembered him and blocked his way down the side walk. The old man kept saying he didnt remember him and kept trying to walk buy. Then, the young guy full on swings an open fisted punch to the guys face. Conor yells HEY and three of us start rushing over across the street. The young guys sees three dudes coming. Picks up a 40 ounce bottle in recycling and walks away. We helped the old man get home but he didnt know the guy or what happened. His face was already bruising, and had broken blood vessels. It was pretty crazy. I thought Conor was going to chase the dude down, he looked like a knife type.
After that we shredded up to the Montreal Impact soccer game. Conor scored free tickets. I had been invited to a wine tasting though and kate was disapointed to miss that so we baught a littre of wine and snuck it in and then she was happy. Lots of people at the game; 11000. The game itself was pretty good. There was a goal scored that obviously wasnt a goal, Ron Rush showed me later on CFCF12 news that I was right. In the last 5 minutes the Impact scored to take the lead and then the other team had a 35 yard blast shoot off the post and then as we were leaving the game early (Kate was invalided so couldnt walk fast) we missed another Impact goal. Not a bad game and well worth the free tickets. Security guards are loosers who moms spanked them too much, they are also very lonely.

A talent pool with a little too much piss

I was looking through an old Harper's magazine I found on the street (Wednesday is recycling day) and I found a funny article about Hollywood film proposals. It just proves that there are hundreds if not thousands of untapped minds out there with great stories, and movies, like these to be told:

The Singing Law Student
The Singing Law Student commits suicide in his home. He was rejected by the woman he loved, his psychiatrist and mistreated in the asylm. A parapsychologist moves into his home to encounter his spirit. Researching the link between manic depression and creativity, she brings a guitar with her for him to play. She encuounters his spirit, and he sings his songs to her, which she records. She releasees the songs, and the Singing Law Student becomes famous. His psychiatrist, the woman who rejected him, and the doctors at the asylum commit suicid upon hearing his voice and his songs throughout society.

Get your bike on

If it were summer all year round here I could live in Montreal my whole life. Its pretty sweet to bbq, ride bikes everywhere and just sit around outside with buddies all in the comfort of shorts and t-shirts. Whats with losers down in the commercial district wearing suits when really they are just dick heads. You know what? A loser in a suit is still a loser in a suit while a joe in t-shirts and jeans can be a great joe. Suits are stupid, they dont fool nothing. So for anybody keeping count Conor has gone through 3 bike tubes and 1 bike tire so far this season, what a dork. I guess Tyler is a great roomated except he ruins all the ice cream. This weeks album of the week is Mermaid Avenu Vol II by Wilco and Billy Bragg. The Wilco show is next week but all my looser friends are hesitant to buy tickets. They must be dorks. I am writting a new sitcome. Its about late 20 something guys from the Plateau who ride their bikes around and get into bar fights and have love problems. It would be a hit with the 'OC' crowd. I am calling the show the Plat'O' - Conor said that the hidden O undertones as the big O of the orgasm. Saw my shirts up in the Eaton Center todays. They looked cool but everything looks like shit in a Mall anyway. Dont buy swifters, why waste so much just to clean. The whole thing is disposable. Whats wrong with a broom, just shake it outside and its clean. Its no work and its not wasteing anything. Never try free coffee from an office coffee machine when it rumbles so loud you can hear it from 4 offices down. There are far too many reasons to offer as to why you should not try this one, just dont.

Kate shaved her pussy

Kate's stolen cat was dying in the heat last week. He is an old fella who feel the onslaught of heat much more intensly than we do and with no sweat glands or swimming pools to cool him he was suffering. Alloy was panting non stop and obviousl agitated, prancing in and out of the house and meouling at everything so Kate decided to shave her pussy in hopes of cooling him off. He now looks rediculous, mayb the funniest animals I have ever seen. He has transgressed from the form of a regal and grandiose cat to a rejected-poodle-rat-cat. The picture speaks for itself though, no hair except for a lionlike mane, bushy tail and legs. The cat also has a huge fat sac that hangs to the ground, its not an empty testicular sac, its a fat sac....

Get your war on

This is not a new site or anything but I have recently started going back to it having gobbled up all the content about a year ago. Its a wickedly funny political comic that is done using MSword clipart. I met the guy at a book show and he is a darn boring guy but the stuff he comes up with soils my pants. Check, check, check it out....

http://www.mnftiu.cc/mnftiu.cc/war.html

Here is a tasty sample of his work:

Be careful who you kiss

An outbreak of chlamydia at the San Francisco Zoo has left a dozen penguins dead, according to a spokesman from the zoo. It was either transmitted by seagul poop (unlikely) or by humans breathing infected breathes of venirial disease unto the sexy birds (most likely).

Talk to me and get my money, okay?

So a new local haunt has re-opened after being closed down for a while. They crossed the street, got rid of the fooseball table and got fancy lighting. It used to be a small micro brewery tavern and now its a chiquer 5 à 7 locale. The tasty beer stayed the same price though which is quite comendable. Anyways, the bartender there in her efforts to seduce our buddy started talking to us very musculated and charming boys. We were three strapping young men from the jovial maritimes in her opinion. Anyways, she chatted with us on and off most of the night and at the end of the night when it was time to settle up I felt uncomfortable. She passed the service line and introduced herself, introduced the chef and would cheers us on drinks. She was nice and not encombersome but I still felt weird, how do I tip her? I feel uncomfortable tipping. She did a good job and was way overworked and she didnt talk to us to get a tip yet the anxiety remained and I overtiped. I hate tipping, it should just be taken off the bill and if they do a bad job you can ask to have it back or something. Damn baristas and waitstaff, send them all to hell for serving me and making me feel bad the whole time.

Maybe a serve yourself bar is what I need to create....

Tampon commercials are sexy

Last night Conor and I partook in one of televisions finest events ever- elimidate. It was probably the best episode of all time.. Conor was the name of the guy in the show and he had three less than classy ladies entertaining him. This guy played it great. All he did was compare the girls and get them to settle all his choices. He basically got them to vote on the eliminations. The first girl got eliminated for being "orange", they called her radioactive skin. Three of the girls teamed up against one girl who was given up by her mom at five to an aunt, who then got a boyfriend and gave her up to her grandma who died and gave her up for adoption and so she was viciously attacked for being unlovable and worthless. Anything this girls said was rebuked with "but your mom doesnt love you" and "you dont even have a mommy and daddy". When radioactive orange was gone she says in her cut away "its okay he didnt have muscles anyway." This leaves the other two girls to team up against another girl who claimed she was more mature than the other two, the meanest girl then replied "if by mature you mean having a baby", she had a kid. The mother than says she has been going to bars since she was 12 and "these girls couldnt even get 10 year old boyfriends when they were 12 and I was dating 25 years olds then." So at this point the mother takes the guy and gives him a huge french kiss, then the vicious girl steps up and gives him and even deeper one, so dude says to the last girl "so are you going to step up" so she leans in and gives him some loving. Conor makes out with 3 girls in less than a minute and then says "there is enough of the Conor to go around". The loveless girl also says that "last is best ??? In the next elimination Conor gets rid of the mother by saying "it makes me uncomfortable having to think about meeting your kid." This pisses her off and she says something to Conor who replies "get the fuck outa here." With only the loveless girl and the vicious barbie doll collector left the dance floor seems like a great place for Conor to be - both girls fight to make out with him dancing. So down to the final elimination and Conor says to vicious "I cant believe how malicious you have been tonight to this girl over something she had no control over" turning to loveless "but I dont know how you didnt stand up for yourself, I like a girl with a spine" and the deciding factor is -- "I guess in the end I have to go with 'vicious' because you just have to much family baggage." Holly shit, I cant believe what just happened there. I wrote this all down so the quotes are acurate. Conor imediately starts making out with vicious as soon as loveless is out of the picture.

Conor and I thought a great episode of elimidate would be Conor, myself, Eric and a Jewish guy on a date with some ditzy blond. Eric would just keep telling the girl that Conor and I dont make as much money as him and that the other guy is jewish "I mean come on, really who are you going to pick?"

In other new Conor had a brilliant t-shirt idea to sell in the UK-
"I want to be Prince Charles' tampon for a day"

God damn it

I knew beeing unemployed would come back in bite me in the ass. After months of not doing anything, winter, dreary, months of monotony summer has come and with it more everything than I can handle. Not only am I working 6 or 7 days a week I am also doing 2 or 3 websites at a time and trying to get some freelance illustrating in. Good times, and to boot somebody convinced me that I should help them with a play for the next two days.

Nobody ask me for anything for free anymore. I am through with free, if you want me to pick you up a pepsi on my way over it will cost, if you want a website it will cost, if you want to learn how to shred it will cost.

I guess this is a sign of making it when you stop giving it away for free.

Fast cars and fast babes

Race weekend came and went and as always it was pretty lame. People who like cars too much are usually pretty lame, I mean, there just cars. F1 loosers tend to be big car loosers. Friday night was kind of funny though because there were 7 ferraris and one lamboughini in front of the swingers club near our place. Im sure they werent all in the club but they were all parked out front. One old chubby man was giving a younger 'easy' looking woman a drive when I walked by. Otherwise the whole weekend is just a bunch of people going to the same place and nothing happening. Crowds of nothing, I dont get it but its still kind of interesting to watch. Maybe when I get a fast car it will all make sense to me. I should be able to afford a really fast car soon too seeing as how I have two jobs. Most people who own really fast cars only have one job and I have two so there.

Online Photo Gallery of sorts

Well after weeks of Kate making me do things over her new website is done. It a site to show off her work to potential employers and magazines so that is why its simple and clean. Its still got a few bugs to work through but send me any comments. I would love to hear them and then berate anybody for suggesting such ludicrous things.

www.katehutchinson.com

Update this Bin Laden

Well we still havent caught Bin Laden so I cant say that it has been a good week. One day we will feel real freedom from terror again. So its been nice and hectic around here. The vernisage was exactly as I thought but instead of getting drunk alone with Kate on wine I got drunk on beer with Kate and Conor. The shirts all looked awesome, I already sold a few of mine but they are selling them expensive = $40 after taxes. That kind of sucks but oh well, I didnt meat anyone but I got on MusicPlus so any teenage queebster who likes music now knows who I am... The shirts are all up in the Eaton Center this month too (during race weekend) so I expect to make a bit of coin.

Went on the most stressful camp trip ever. We went to get away for 4 days in the Adirondacs and instead spent 2 days trying to negotiate a new job. I got the job but only after camping out by a pay phone basically and going through different channels of comunication. We had to come home early so I could start yesterday. So anyways NY tourist people know jack shit. They gave us all this bogus info but we found a stellar camp site right on a beach all to ourselves which was nice. No grocerie stores where we were so we had a gas station food supper. Mmmm... canned green beans. Had a shitty night driving back and forth between the pay phone and the campfire but the scenery was nice. Next day we hit Lake Placid which is sweet, did a 5 mile straight up hike, used more pay phones and then drove home in the rain. Awesome camp trip, there goes my summer holiday.

Came home, told my other job that I am cutting down my hours drastically, watched them kind of freak, went to my greek barber who took vengence on some old greek/canadian rivalry by giving me a horrible and very short haircut. Great to start a new job looking like a nazi-lepper. Then went to my new part time job as assistant art director at The Mirror. Its a weekly cultural paper in Montreal that has a circulation of 280,000 so screw all those people working for 'real' papers who have circulations of 100,000 (you know who Im talking about Times & Transcripters). So its been a horribly stressful few days.

I cant wait to go have a shred session with the bike gang to just chill out. I dont know when Ill have the time though. Working for the next 14 days straight, building 3 websites right now and hopefully doing designs for a skate company. Weeeee. At least my theory for finding work has paid off, stop caring and stop trying and something will come your way.

Venison

My vernisage is tonight, I've never been apart of one of those before. I have been published and printed before but nothing like this. Its going to be great to stand around and chit chat uncomfortably for hours. If Im lucky I will stand in a corner with Kate for a few hours alone and I will feel uncomfortable so I will drink too much wine and then after too much wine somebody I know who would be good to impress will show up and I will make awkward jokes and not embarass myself but also not help myself and I will go home kind of happy with the night but not really happy because nothing came out of it. Nothing ever comes out of these things. You just waste a hundred bucks getting business cards printed and the only people you give them to are your friends and then when you change phone numbers you just use the extra piles of leftovers as scrap paper.
Yep, its going to be fun.

Life is fun

Life is so fun. I enjoy myself all the time. I have a lot of fun going for interviews and never hearing back from them, even on fridays when they are supposed to call. I also have lots of fun yelling at hearing impared people who come into the store and want me to talk into their faces slowly. It makes me so happy to get 25 cent raises (I now make $9/hr). I love hearing people tell me that thats not too bad. I get no greater satisfaction than having an old lady vent on me about how things are too expensive today.
Life is made of small wonders and its all these little things that make it fun.

Jesus, I cant remember the last time I had real fun.

I am making new t-shirts. They are going to say "I club aborted fetuses" but the 'club' will be the club sign from the deck of cards. I think I could make some money off of that. I would donate all the money to aborted fetuses research funds obviously because I already make enough money to live comfortably and there is no reason to live beyond one's means.

So a guy pulls up in a ferrari today and brings us this wrecked piece of shit suitcase and wants it fixed. What kind of loser drives a ferrari (red/convertible) and buys shit luggage and then wants to get it fixed. I asked him how much his pec implants cost but he couldnt answer because he was still waiting for his Botox to dry.

My neighbors cat has aids. I guess cats can get aids.

The early works of Brian Adam

Conor is a strong guy. Last night we were all hanging around on JPs luxury patio having a few summer night beers. Its been the first real summer week recently including the summer nights. Its a new world. Such a nice world to live in. Conor was trying to fix his bike wheel which was flat and all of a sudden we hear a gun shot like sound and see Conor jump. It took us a moment to realize that he had pumped his wheel up to much and it exploded. It was more loud than I would have thought and pretty hilarious. Conor is a strong guy.

It was also during last evening where I came up with the idea that is going to have me retiring in two years. I cant tell anybody else about my invention for fear of having it copied but its going to leave me a happy and thick pocketed man.

This is personal so dont read it if you get grossed out

Its weird. Im possibly living the worst lifestyle of my life considering booze, food and sleep but for the first time in my life I have normal number twos. I eat well enough now but I only eat one or two meals a day out of apathy but I dont go my usual 3 times a week. Its almost every morning like clock work. I dont like that. Its weird.

Side note, as I write this there is some weird kid about 23 doing cartwheels up and down the sidewalk. He was stretching earlier but he still sucks at them. I could do a better one in less than two tries. Some people just werent blessed with the gymnastical abilities that G-O-D granted me. Thanks jesus.

One for the money, two for the show

Here is my new business card I just got printed out after having designed it months ago. The lady who worked at the print shop I go to looked as if she had gotten cancer since I last saw her a few months ago. Her hair was all clumpy and she had baldish spots. Only later did I realize it was a horrible hair cut. She had a back of the head mohawk that was obviously intentional. Im not sure what kind of drugs make an otherwise attractive girl cut out spurts of her locks, leaving her disheveled and hagered looking. Fools, they are all fools.